And Then, We've Got Castle Greyskull

This was probably the best Monday I’ve had in a few months. Don’t ask why, because I really couldn’t tell you what exact elements came together to make it such a lovely day. I mean, it was an early day (I had my first meeting at 8am, for which I was irritated at past Matt). I did a ton of student admissions interviews for my BSW program, which were wonderful because student contact is always one of my favorite parts of my job. I got great work stuff done. And then I spent the rest of the day messing around the house.

Maybe it was the quiet that was nice? It’s funny, people think that quiet is a bad part of being a widower, since things wouldn’t be so quiet if I had someone else living here with me other than the dogs. But it’s not the quiet that bothers me. And after such a busy week last week, including a weekend full of accomplished tasks and my adventure yesterday, maybe what I needed more than anything was a quiet day.

It’s been really good. Ten out of ten, no complaints.

I had the energy to text ten or twenty people this morning, and by the time my interviews were done I had around 35 messages to respond to, which was awesome. I really do need to keep in mind the fact that planting social seeds pays off, even in the short-term. I’ve seen widowers talk a lot about how isolated and lonely they feel, and I’m there too often myself as well. Sometimes it feels like far too much emotional energy to say hi to people you care about. I talk to my parents every day (at least once a day) and I know it caused consternation on their end when I wasn’t up to our phone call one day last week. But sometimes I just don’t have it in me to talk to someone else. Sure, I got into all kinds of arguments with Kellie when she was still alive, but it didn’t require this kind of effort to say hi to her—I’ve never felt that kind of cost when it comes to Kellie. There’s never been anyone else who doesn’t drain this introvert’s soul even a little bit to be around. Just her. She was my home, my heart, my one true thing.

I saw an argument in an online widow’s space yesterday that’s been stuck in my head a little bit, so I wanted to share. Someone said that it’s not fair that we have to pretend everything is okay and go right back to our usual lives pretty quickly after such a huge loss, and that in the olden days women were allowed to wear black and be in official mourning for a year. I agree that that would be really nice, just to have it understood that this life-changing event is a big deal and that there was even a visual shorthand in the form of a uniform and everything. But the disagreement came when someone else mentioned that men have always been expected to go back to work and remarry and take care of everyone and everything around them again after they lose their wives. I’ve never heard of any kind of precedent with men wearing black and being in widowhood for long periods of time. So I’ve been pondering the question of gender differences related to widowhood, and I think it’s an interesting thing.

I wonder whether there’s some kind of cultural idea that men may be expected to remarry quickly to keep the wheels of society turning or something, but that women might end up alone forever because they’ve already outlived their usefulness as a wife and mother? I’ve also picked up on some gender-related overtones of “men can’t possibly be alone, there’s an innate drive to go and have more kids or whatever” to this whole thing. When I’m public in widow spaces about my ironclad intention to remain single/married to Kellie for the rest of my life, the surprise comes when they find out that I’m a man, not when they find out how old I am or any other characteristics. There’s some kind of archetype in our brains that maybe a woman could be an old spinster widow, but there’s no male equivalent. It’s such a strange thing. Maybe women who lose a husband are also viewed as somehow contagious, like a black widow or praying mantis, and that they’re cursed to kill multiple husbands? I don’t get that vibe from other people about men, though, just the idea that it’s just understood that a guy can’t possibly be okay on his own.

I know this is probably far more interesting to me than it is to anyone else, but if I can’t talk about the stuff on my mind here, what’s even the point, right?

Maybe the point of me saying any of it is that I hope you’re able to remain more open-minded about the choices that someone in your life makes than would be your typical knee-jerk instinct. Perhaps just let people be people without all of your expectations piled upon them? I don’t know, that just sounds like a good idea to me anyway.

And hey, if you were one of the folks I texted and then carried on a conversation with me for the rest of the day, you really did make a big difference in my life today. Thank you for the chat(s). Appreciate y’all.

If you didn’t know, the new He-Man movie is free on Prime at the moment. If you’re already enriching Jeff Bezos with your membership dollars, why not have a few minutes of fun nostalgia in exchange? It’s no masterpiece, but still has its moments.

Oh, and guess what’s stupid? I seriously got a certified letter today informing me that Kellie has been kicked off an insurance panel due to being dead. Carelon spent the time, effort and money to literally make me answer the front door and sign for their dumb letter. I’ll never understand health insurance companies’ priorities, so why try?

Always grateful for a good day,

Matt