Looking back a few months, it would have felt pretty unthinkable for me to write this sentence, but here goes: It was a really good day, despite being a Wednesday.
I spent a little bit of time last night mourning Kellie, but just a little bit. Enough to feel my feelings, but not enough to sink into the quicksand. Wednesdays are the worst, as you probably know, since it’s the day she died.
Twenty-two Wednesdays ago, to be exact. I’ve been thinking about that number today. It’s not long enough to grow a human, but it’s long enough to grow all sorts of other things. In case you’re curious, sheep/goats/pigs/capybaras all take somewhere around five months to gestate. So you can go ahead and consider my new life a baby capybara, if it makes you happy (spoiler alert: it makes me happy).
I’ve officially made it from spring, into summer, and now to fall. Two season changes, and to be clear, I consider that a real achievement. In the weeks before I lost her, Kellie and I spoke several times about our plans for this summer—we were going to go to some of our special spots, eat our favorite ice cream, and sit on the deck enjoying the dogs enjoying the sun. We talked about bringing out the fire pit and the lawn furniture, and also remembered together how much we used to love being out there in the dark, watching the stars, holding hands. Believe me when I say that it was going to be glorious.
Instead, I’ve suffered. Really and truly suffered. I’ve cried, sure. I’ve lost about half my usual stock of energy. My brain feels scattered and I forget things all the time now (widow’s brain is a thing). I have experienced a whole lot of pain and so, so much sorrow.
I’ve also received more support than I could ever have imagined. My determination to be self-sufficient and wish to not have to rely on anyone but each other has morphed into a steadfast commitment to build (or rebuild) and sustain friendships and connections with an ever-widening group of pretty incredible people.
Instead of my support system shrinking (as is so often the case with those who’ve lost a long-term partner), mine has grown, and grown, and grown. Let me be clear about something: that’s not because I’m awesome. It’s because THEY are awesome. I know I’ve spoken about plenty of folks specifically here, but I just want to say that I know they’re here for me because they love me and because they love Kellie. On my good days, at least, I’m confident of that. On the worse days, I still tend to doubt that I’m any use to anybody, including myself. Or I try to convince myself that they’re only still around because they feel sorry for me and my circumstances. But at least most of the time, I know that’s not true.
I cannot overstate how much Jessie has added to my life. Knowing that my house will be clean and organized and smell amazing and that all the tiny touches she adds to the house will make me smile all week has all been beyond wonderful. I couldn’t possibly keep up with the house without Jessie, and I’ll always appreciate both her kindness and her skill. Half of my spices would still be expired and I wouldn’t have any clean dishes and my house would be a true wreck without her here. I know just how truly messy my living space can end up when I’m left to my own devices, and I’m beyond grateful to her for stopping that from happening. She’s given me a safe (and sanitary) home, as well as the ability to invite folks over (because without Jessie, I’d be too embarrassed to have that happen). I can always count on Jessie, and that’s important to me.
Similarly, I cannot tell you how much Ashley has meant to me. Kellie and I haven’t had anyone we trusted enough to watch the dogs since her grandmother died. (And that’s been more than a decade.) I wouldn’t be able to go to my favorite indie bookstores, or see live music, or have half as many adventures as I’ve had without Ashley here caring for Ivy and Coco. She treats them with so much care and kindness and compassion, and I am unbelievably grateful to her for the respect she has shown them. Without Ashley, I would be regularly consumed by guilt anytime I needed to leave the girls alone for more than a few hours, so my world would be so, so much smaller. She’s given me peace and freedom to explore, as well as peace of mind that my babies are safe and secure without me here every second of every day. She’s also been so encouraging and supportive of my eagerness to try new hobbies and think about things other than how sad I am.
Beyond that, Amber has been unbelievable. I’d only ever had one actual massage in my life before I went looking for recommendations for someone experienced and knowledgeable with therapeutic touch. I’ve shared how lonely and challenging it can be to have zero human touch in my life without Kellie here. I also do so much sitting, between teaching classes and workshops and counseling sessions and writing and recording lectures, etc.—and none of that is especially great for my body. The first time I saw Amber for a massage, I was incredibly nervous. It was such a wonderful experience that I immediately decided to come back to her every three weeks. The second massage from Amber was an even better experience, since I didn’t have to waste any time worrying. Today was my third massage with her, and I have to reiterate: she is the best massage therapist in the world. She is kind and compassionate and knowledgeable and doesn’t make me feel even a little bit uncomfortable. She’s given me the ability to rest and relax and feel so much more comfortable in my body.
I’ve been shocked and surprised and, yes, grateful, to so many of my friends and family. More than I can count. People have been very conscious of my loneliness, of my sorrow, of my sadness. Lindsay still reminds me to drink water and take my medication (and that’s good, because I still need the reminders). Margot still checks in with me every single day. People have invited me to high school football games (even though I declined), to grab coffee, to eat breakfast or lunch or supper. People have truly loved me, in real and tangible and concrete ways, and I can’t list them all here (first because Substack imposes a character length on posts, and second because I’m sure I’ll forget someone and feel incredibly guilty for the rest of my life). I can’t sit and rot in my house and have zero contact with anyone, because you guys won’t let me. Hell, I can’t even skip a day of talking to my parents, or else.
Oh hey—here’s a fancy deviled egg from last night that Mike gave me (since he’s smart enough to be a vegetarian).
I guess the theme here is “gratitude”. Lots of the time, when I sit down to write for the day, I have no real idea where it’ll go before I’m done. It’s much more often a stream-of-consciousness situation, and I purposely do very little editing after the fact. If I was trying to create something polished, I wouldn’t be able to actually put the thing up for anyone to read, the energy just isn’t there. So it’s one or the other right now, and I’ve chosen “post really often” over “write the best stuff I possibly can”. I’m comfortable with that choice.
Speaking of editing, I know I haven’t mentioned my book in a bit. I’ve finished drafts of all the essays and poems that’ll be in the final thing, but the editing is always a challenge for me. Not necessarily because it’s bad work (I’m actually pretty proud of the poems, in particular). But because I’ve gotten this weird idea in my head that if I say this work is done, then I need to move on and stop grieving this immense loss. I know that’s not a real thing, but knowing and believing and feeling can all be different things. I’m working on myself, but progress is slow sometimes. If you have any ideas about the best way I can force myself to call any of these 45-ish poems done, I’d love to hear them.
Today, I had some meetings for work which were challenging and complicated, because life is challenging and complicated sometimes. Then I saw Amber, which made me feel much better. After that, Kim and I got to catch up. That was a really special time, because she’s a good person. I told her she’s lucky she hung out with me AFTER my massage rather than before, since she probably got a way more-chill Matt as a result.
I got a car wash, bought an assortment of dog treats and two new Lamb Chop toys for Coco (since one of her favorite hobbies is eviscerating a new Lamb Chop). It’s been a calm and peaceful and relaxing evening here. Even in the midst of so much upheaval and stress and sorrow, there are far more good days than bad ones at this point in my life. I don’t know how I could be more grateful to the universe for that, either.
Wishing you peace, love, and joy as the week winds its way to a close.
Matt