I just really, really miss Kellie. That’s it, that’s the post.
As I get more and more used to whatever state I’m currently in, all kinds of strange combinations of emotions have come up for me. I’m not trying to feel any specific kind of way, but some days I feel a bit blown this way and that by environmental things that have nothing to do with choices I’ve made.
Today I had a few appointments, but it was pretty empty for a Friday. You’d think that was a good thing, since everyone appreciates working less. But what that did was give me more space in my head to miss her. It’s such a delicate balance sometimes! I am honestly trying my best NOT to over-schedule myself, because of how quickly I get exhausted these days. When I do too much, it absolutely wipes me out for a day or two. And when I don’t schedule stuff to keep me busy, the silence and stillness sometimes gives way to sadness or grief or whatever.
I’d say “It’s almost like I can’t win” except for the fact that there’s no winning the game I’m currently in—and yet I just have to keep playing for the rest of my life, by default, whether I like it or not. And that’s a pretty rough reality for me to accept.
One positive development is that even as I’ve spent most of today seriously, seriously missing Kellie, I haven’t been particularly sad. I don’t think I’ve experienced the “loneliness/missing her” emotion as being distinct and separated from the “sadness/depression” emotion, but that’s what today has been like. Whatever I’ve done today, it’s been with a constant undercurrent of wishing she were with me. I’ve eaten several good meals, watched stuff, played video games, done counseling sessions, had work meetings, graded a lot of student assignments, read a book. And the entire time, I’ve been missing her more than usual.
The reason I think it would be a positive development for my feelings to move in this direction is because if this happened more often, I’d feel like I could have all kinds of joy and hope and love in my life while missing her at the same time. Since I know I’m going to miss her the rest of my life. I know it to be a fact that humans can experience two emotions at the same time. That’s something I’ve told other people at least a thousand times. But I’ve never gone through a whole day dwelling in the missing while still having regular ups and downs before, so it’s this combination of feelings that seems to be different in my head.
I know that the rainy weather has been part of the missing Kellie piece. I’m not used to having a lot of contact with friends, even though these last six months has had so much more of that than in the past. What winter used to mean was hunkering down in our house, being happy and cozy and not thinking as much about the world around us. I don’t get to do a big chunk of that anymore, since being cozy with the pups is not the same as being cozy with Kellie.
It’s hard to feel this strongly about something you can’t do anything about. It’s that whole missing limb vibe I’ve spoken about in the past. Nothing I do is going to make me miss her less, except giving it a few minutes or a few hours or a few days—then it’ll pass again, the same as it usually does.
I hope everyone has a restful and joy-filled weekend. I’ll catch up with you on Monday.
Peace,
Matt