Enough With your Rockets' Red Glare

Today was a quiet one. Not necessarily in terms of volume, but in terms of managing my energy and taking care of myself. I spent my time on all kinds of small and quiet things, mostly geared toward making my home more peaceful and myself happier. I didn’t go and watch any fireworks displays because they terrify Ivy and because it felt really unfair to leave her both alone and scared just so I can enjoy a few minutes of noise and lights. I prefer drone shows anyway—they can do cooler stuff without the risks and triggering involved in fireworks.

And yes, people frequently accuse me of being a dummy who doesn’t care about other people having fun because I don’t like fireworks. But there are so many down sides—animals (both pets and wild ones) are left disoriented and frightened, there’s all kinds of other environmental issues that arise from introducing all those flames into a very dry place, and I always marvel at the cost communities pay for these shows instead of doing things that actually positively impact the lives of folks who live there.

I try not to engage with people online about fireworks anymore because it just leads to them calling me names and I really don’t need that amount of conflict in my life. But suffice it to say that I don’t think you’re a bad person because you enjoy them, so you shouldn’t think I’m a bad person because I don’t. It never seems to work that way, though.

I’m not thrilled that I’ve started to get emails from random companies reminding me about our anniversary. There’s no way I can scrub that from every app, and so I expect to get a bunch for the next couple of weeks, which can’t help but be triggering.

I was proud of myself for getting some good stuff done, though. I cleaned up the house a bit, gave Ivy a bath, and worked on crossword puzzles. I played video games, ate food I enjoyed, and eventually rode my bike over to my office to enjoy a little breeze in my face.

I hate to admit this, but although I have been working a ton I haven’t actually been on campus since Kellie died. It’s felt like too much. Going into the office on a day when the building was completely abandoned was much more manageable for me, for some reason. I was surprised to see a bunch of condolence cards there from students and faculty and staff. I guess I didn’t realize some folks would send them there, though that makes perfect sense in hindsight. It was nice to get all those signs of love and support, even months later.

It was really odd to walk into my desk and see all my stuff there, arranged neatly, all artifacts of my life from before it changed forever. Like opening King Tut’s tomb or something. The last time I had been there was when I taught a class literally the night before she died, so it was a really strange feeling putting myself back into that mental space again. Not a bad feeling, just a strange one.

I was glad that I was mostly on my own today. The fact that it’s a holiday meant that many of the folks who normally check in on me were mostly busy living their lives, which was okay. I was fine. I heard from some people, but not many, which was a good change for one day. Don’t take this as a suggestion to leave me permanently alone, though.

Our dear friend Margot and her kids are arriving tonight to spend the night in my guest room on their way to the East Coast. I’m excited to see them again! I’m not the world’s best host under normal circumstances, and these are not normal circumstances. Kellie was always the one who knew how to plan that kind of thing. But Margot knows and sees me, and it’s going to be a nice time to just hang out with her and her kids without a lot of preconceived notions of me juggling and riding a unicycle for their entertainment.

Look! The brand-new rose in Kellie’s garden is growing, even in the heat!

There was a moment today when I felt genuinely content: sitting in my (Kellie’s) recliner, listening to a podcast while I worked on a crossword. I felt like just some old guy doing my puzzles while the rest of the world goes about their business. It’s very nice to know that I can just be happy on a random day and don’t need to spend money or have a lot of fanfare to keep my spirits up. Being happy out of nowhere is sometimes just as unexpected as being sad out of nowhere, these days. But the feelings seesaw goes both ways, which is excellent news.

I’m also choosing to work on my homework today, because why not. That took up a little bit of time as well.

I hope your day is quiet, peaceful and full of joy. And remember (in case you went to a party)—in this case, one out of three ain’t bad.

XOXO,

Matt