Everybody Feels Kinda Weird Some Days

And today has been one of those days for Matt.

Last week was jammed so full of work that I ended up pushing back a few big projects with imminent due dates again and again, which meant hitting yesterday afternoon and still having three major things to get finished by the end of the weekend.

I got one of them done yesterday, and spent about nine hours today finishing the second. Which means I just have to get my final assignment for my educational leadership class finished before midnight tomorrow and I’m all caught up on huge stressful tasks.

Just in time for next week to start!

I was pretty sad for much of the past couple days. I think part of that is because the inevitable result of being too busy to do what you want to do in a given week is that you end up also putting your social connections on hold. In my case, since I don’t have any social outlets within my home anymore other than the pups, not spending time with any friends means I eventually end up feeling isolated and morose.

One thing leads to another leads to another, right? It’s the whole unintended consequences thing.

I’ve been blessed by the fact that my friends are still in my life and are still very glad to catch up and hang out and be present, even a few months after Kellie’s death. It’s a common experience to lose a lot of those relationships over time after a major loss, and that hasn’t really happened to me. A tough thing, though, is that the longer I make it past the loss, the less-worried people are about my general well-being (because I’m surviving). That means fewer and fewer folks initiate contact with me out of the blue in a given day now, so I need to be the one to do that if I’m feeling lonely. There are a bunch of people who are glad to engage with me and talk stuff through and spend time with me if I say hi, and not everyone has that privilege.

Unfortunately, reaching out to people to tell them I’m feeling lonely and miss them is a pretty vulnerable thing to do, and is not a skill-set that I’m particularly fond of. It takes so much energy for me to fire off a group of texts that feel like they must be bothering people in the middle of a workday, or a meal, or down time after work, or whatever.

I haven’t solved this challenge yet, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot.

It’s a real domino effect: being too busy plus deferred tasks plus lack of energy plus lack of social contacts equals a weekend that is full of things to do and also sad and also lonely. Not optimal.

I’ve also been feeling a lot of the weight on me from all the things that I have to follow up on and decide and the tasks that I have to do and the phone calls and emails and bills that are just a part of being an adult. I’d gotten so used to having a back-up brain that would always be there to pick up the slack when I forgot something, or wasn’t capable of starting something, and now I don’t have it I’m prone to feeling that sense of overwhelm far more than I’d like.

I’m proud of myself for getting so many things accomplished this week, and so many big things accomplished in the last couple of days.

I sure could use a break from all the things, though.

Not a good one. I’m still being honest about it regardless, because they’re not all good ones.

Later, taters.

Matt