Today I put a lot more energy into having an okay day than usual. It is, as you probably realize, a Wednesday. It’s now been 26 weeks since Kellie died, and I’m just fine.
That’s it, that’s the surprise. Despite all odds, this was actually a pretty good day for me. That doesn’t usually happen on a Wednesday, though it has a few times. My therapy session last week helped me a great deal (thanks, lady). I actually did what I have sworn to several people I was going to do, which is putting alerts into my phone specifically for every Wednesday that remind me to take my medication and eat lunch. And guess what? I did both of those things today! There’s usually a domino effect on Wednesdays that goes something like: Wake up, acknowledge that it’s a Wednesday, try my best to be okay regardless, forget to take my medication, eat breakfast, start in on my day, remember my medication but forget lunch, remember lunch and realize that combination is likely why I feel so awful. But I listened to both reminders today! Unbelievable!
On some level, I am always going to be surprised when I have a truly terrible day. I’m also going to be surprised when I have a truly excellent one. That’s the case regardless of what day it is. This weekend’s string of three uninterrupted bad days couldn’t help but make me concerned that it was going to be a trend that continued into this week, but nope. Today was pretty good, like I said.
I ate breakfast at the park, which I’ve been getting into doing again after a brief hiatus. We got up early, so it was relatively deserted and also very chilly. Both of those are my preferences. This is such a nice view, and it helps me think about stuff from a different perspective rather than starting my day at home. Who knows why.
This morning, I was also surprised to find out that I had two cuts on my right hand which I didn’t remember giving myself yesterday. Here’s a fun photo of the worse one. My best guess is that it happened when I was breaking down boxes for trash day late last night, but I completely missed the fact that I’d done it.
I’m fortunate that I’m not doing anything truly hazardous like welding or woodworking or using saws or whatever, since I might do myself serious harm and not realize that had happened. Kellie would always notice that I had a grievous wound and make me give myself medical attention, but now it’s just me with no backup set of eyes.
Today I thought about how much I miss Kellie, which is something I think about every day. That’s no surprise, to be sure. But it was less visceral and desperate a feeling of missing her than I felt all weekend, so I was very glad for that gift, even on a Wednesday.
Something that has been on my mind lately is the fact that it’s just me here. With the dogs, I sometimes get easily overwhelmed. Ivy is easy, though needs to be pampered and loved on. But Coco is a lot of work for me. She’s just a baby still, not even fifteen months old. She wants constant attention and is full of energy (even very early in the morning and very late at night). She is always chewing on something which could do her serious harm (like my laptop cord or poison or whatever). When she gets irritated, she starts chewing on me rather than the furniture. And after a long day of grieving and working and being a human being with a messed-up brain, it can be really challenging for me to manage Coco in particular.
I feel guilty that sometimes I’m not as present for her as I should be. That’s the case with every (responsible) parent or pet parent, probably. I’m just not used to having to care for all the dogs’ needs without someone else here to help me remember all the details. We’ve established that it’s sometimes hard for me to remember to pay my bills now with the real phenomenon of widows’ brain in effect. It’s way harder to remember to set up vet appointments or other kinds of things the dogs need.
I also get frustrated with Coco being a baby and wish she was as quiet and settled as Ivy or Sage, sometimes. I know that I’m lucky to have her throughout her entire life, that was what Kellie and I wanted when we chose her. I just didn’t know I’d be doing it alone.
I know I’ve said this in the past, but Ashley has been a HUGE source of support for me. If I didn’t have Ashley, I would feel too guilty to leave home for more than a few hours at a time. I wouldn’t have been able to go to most of the concerts and conferences and fun places I’ve been this year. When Kellie died, I was terrified that I wouldn’t ever be able to teach in-person again, even—we’d just never had a time when someone wasn’t with the dogs almost 24/7 since 2020. In fact, the first time Coco had to be alone in our house with neither Kellie nor I was this January when Kellie was hospitalized and I spent big chunks of those days at the hospital with her. This is new for all of us! And if I couldn’t go anywhere, I would be terribly isolated and lonely.
I know I have some friends who offer to come to my house and hang out, but it doesn’t happen often. Aside from Jessie and Ashley, I don’t think many of my friends have been here with me and the dogs for months now. Stacy and Mike and Carmen have, but they were all here to dog-sit. That’s honestly one of my big concerns about the winter months—if I don’t feel like going out of the house much because of the weather, I worry that I won’t get to see any of my support system much until spring.
I feel weird about inviting folks over, because my strange brain keeps trying to convince me that it’s an imposition to make people come here to a boring house instead of luring them to a coffee shop or restaurant that has fun stuff to eat and drink as an added attraction. In the past, I would have felt awkward about inviting someone over because the house was such a mess. Now that it’s cleaner than ever, I feel awkward for different reasons (which is probably a good example of the fact that my brain just wants to convince me people don’t want to be my friend and that it’s never had anything to do with the level of cleanliness of my house).
But anytime I need to go somewhere, I reach out to Ashley and she comes and spends time with Coco and Ivy. She’s just so nice, and they always act so much more relaxed when I come home and she’s been there than when I neglect them for a few hours instead. It gives me so much peace of mind to have the confidence to know someone is thinking about them other than me. I’m so grateful!
But beyond that, Ashley’s been doing a bunch of gardening for me, and collaborating with my dad to make sure Kellie’s garden is beautiful and restful instead of being overgrown and stressful. It looks so awesome these days!!
I can’t get a cappuccino or any hot drink without remembering this picture (and the face Kellie would make in real life every time she had one). Kellie was a complex person who loved so many things, and hot sweet drinks were definitely on that list.
I’m celebrating the fact that I’m feeling okay. Maybe that feels like a low bar to you, but considering the circumstances, I think that’s a real win.
And we have to take the wins as they come.
Hugs,
Matt