I Can Go Anywhere

So, it’s a Friday, and I’m trying to surprise the bad feelings by not necessarily being predictable, or maybe just surprise my dopamine receptors by not being predictable.

Given that goal, I decided to head out to another independent bookstore today and see if it made for another great afternoon. Because I figured, why not? Maybe I’m capable of two in a row, who knows?

I really struggled for a bit late last night. Since it was close enough to midnight, I’m going to say it doesn’t detract away from my ‘yesterday was a good day’ judgment. I just started thinking about how Kellie and I have gotten to this point in our lives where we could worry less about money. It just started to get to me how unfair it was that now I need to create a budget. I know that’s a very privileged problem to have. It’s just that I dislike budgeting so much—I hate it. The idea of being okay financially, for both of us, has always been that we don’t have to worry every day about overdrafting our bank accounts.

Budgeting is something that I’ve always found hard to stay focused on. And I’ve been spending more money than usual since Kellie died. That’s probably due to a number of reasons—part of it isn’t my fault. It is more expensive to be depressed! It ends up a lot more expensive to buy your food than to muster up the energy to cook it. It is more expensive when you have guests in your home to buy groceries (just more mouths to feed). Expenses go up when you’re creating a brand new garden and have to buy mulch and plants, etc. There are all kinds of reasons for more costs these last couple of months than there will be in a world when I reach whatever new normal.

That said, I was reading one of the comments on the widower discussion boards, and the person helped me put some of these financial concerns in a new frame when he said that overspending has been a challenge for him since his traumatic loss. That started me thinking about how I am probably seeking out more comfort in things that I am buying than I normally would, as some kind of unconscious self-medicating mechanism. It would make sense for me to be trying to make myself feel better by buying something (like cookies—did you know how good Cheryl’s cookies are?). I don’t say this because I’m embarrassed about it, or because I need you to hold me accountable for my spending habits.

No, I’m saying it because I’ve committed to being transparent here, or at least vulnerable. And as I think about the things that have been a challenge for me, this is one of them. I’m going to try and figure out ways that I can live within my means now that my means are smaller. It sucks, it’s not fair, but it is the reality into which I have been placed.

I now get to live off of whatever I make, and I don’t have another income to help out for the first time in 30 years. Kellie had been working since she was fifteen! I’m in a pretty unfamiliar situation. I haven’t had to just pay rent by myself since a brief period in 1996, so it’s been a while. I wish it wasn’t a consideration. I wish I could just be comfortable in knowing that I’m going to be fine, and I have enough income coming in to not have to think about it. But just as I don’t have someone else to help me buy toiletries when I forget, now I don’t have somebody else to do the budgeting and to make sure that the bills are getting paid. So making the money falls to me, spending the money wisely falls to me too, and I can still spend plenty of money while trying to make sure I have the money to cover my monthly expenditures. It made for an upsetting late night, though, as I convinced myself that I’m now imminently destitute. Which I’m not, but we don’t do our best thinking after midnight, do we?

Today, I got a lot of work done in preparation for the fall semester. After that, I figured I’d seek out another independent bookstore from my list.

This one is called Loganberry Books, and it was so cool. It was a recommendation from my therapist, so it would be on her if it sucked, but it definitely did not suck. I really liked it there. There were all kinds of employee recommendations, and both new and used books (in addition to some pretty valuable rare ones). The staff were friendly and knowledgeable, and the store itself was beautiful. Lots of nooks and crannies full of very good books. I could have spent a lot more time in there, but I’ll be back.

After that, I started thinking about places to go grab a bite to eat and realized that Luna Bakery, probably Kellie’s favorite bakery in the world, was only a mile away. I had no idea!

I got a roast chicken, feta, and spinach crepe because crepes were a huge joy in Kellie’s life (though she would have gotten a banana and Nutella one instead). I also brought home a few macarons because, again, Kellie sure loved them. I enjoyed eating there in her memory.

I feel good about having done another solo adventure. I’ll also have you know that I only got myself one book (I could have bought many more than that). They said to come back during my birthday month because then I get to pick a free book out of the birthday box. I don’t know what’s in the birthday box, but I said I will, and I plan to.

The drive gave me lots of time to listen to audiobooks and music, and also to talk to Kellie. Talking to her is something that I do pretty often these days, though not as often as I did when she was still alive.

I don’t know what the future brings. I’m hopeful for a lot of it, though. I know that I want to be here. I know that I deserve to be happy. The hole that Kelly leaves in my life is just a never-ending pit of sadness and despair, and if I spend too much time thinking about her absence, it’s hard to climb back up out of it. You kind of just sink deeper and deeper. There’s no bottom to it because there’s no way that I can fix it, and there’s no way that I can have her back with me now. It’s a better thing to do to dip my toe in every now and then, but not to stand full-fledged in that pit. So that’s what I do. Like putting the tip of your tongue into the socket where a tooth used to be. Just sometimes. Just often enough to remind you that it’s still there. Not often enough to give you an infection or actually hurt yourself.

This is so hard, and I miss her so much, and I don’t know what I’m going to do to be happy in the long term. I suspect it’s going to take a lot of intention, and I’m up for the challenge. I hate it, but I don’t have a choice, so that’s where I’m at.

Hey, have a good rest of your night. And I hope you have the best weekend ever.

Talk to you soon,

Matt