I Roam Around, Around, Around, Around, Around

I did a little more solo exploration today, and ended up enjoying myself a great deal. I probably wouldn’t have gone back to Parallel Universes Books this quickly (I was there just a couple of weeks ago) but for the fact that I got a call yesterday letting me know I had won a drawing I entered my name in the first time I visited. They gave me a gift bag of swag from the new Spielberg movie Disclosure Day (which I’m watching when I get around to it). An extremely nice duffel bag, a hat, a mug, and a pair of sunglasses. I enjoyed being in the store as well, of course, but them giving me prizes for doing so was a nice perk.

While I was in Cleveland anyway, I figured I’d stop by the Roaming Biscuit (an excellent biscuit-themed restaurant we’ve wanted to try for a while). I was lucky enough to be able to get myself one of their brisket, egg and cheese sandwiches, which apparently often sell out. Having eaten one, I can tell you why they often sell out (it was absolutely delicious).

I then headed over to Visible Voice Books to mark another independent bookstore off my list. Kellie and I have traveled to Visible Voice a ton of times, but never in their new location. It was absolutely wonderful! If you haven’t been, and you like books, you should give Visible Voice a shot. They’re in Tremont and have food and coffee and an awesome upstairs area for sitting and reading or chatting, along with a very cool amphitheater for readings and other types of events.

I was surprised at how huge they are, as well as by the great collection and on-point staff recommendations (which they had at the old location as well). Ten out of ten, honestly. I’ll be back, even if they don’t give me a prize for going there.

It was a nice morning/early afternoon jaunt. I got to listen to an audiobook while I drove, and I was only gone from the dogs for a few hours and was back by two-ish.

Once back home, I was able to get some cleaning done (which exhausted me within about twenty minutes, as is my new normal). After that Coco and Ivy and I took a nap during the huge thunderstorms.

I’m relieved that today was a good Sunday, since it means I’m capable of both consecutive good days and of having a good Sunday in the first place. It was both restful and included a short adventure.

I didn’t cry much today, although Kellie and I had a good conversation. You know, I spoke and she (hopefully) listened. That kind of conversation. I spent some time trying to convince my brain to dream about her during my nap, but I’m apparently not skilled enough at making myself dream things on command, and it didn’t work. I’ve still only had that one dream where we hung out and had a conversation, though I fairly regularly feel like she’s behind or next to me in bed when I’m between awake and asleep.

I was marveling today at the fact that I still remember very clearly what it feels like to hold Kellie’s hand. Even though this week will mark two months since she died, those kinds of physical memories of her presence are persisting with me, which I hope I can manage for as long as possible. I have enough videos and photos of her that I can easily remember what her voice sounds like, and what her laugh sounds like, and what she looks like. But the physical touch piece is something I can’t refresh my memories of, so it’s type of memory that is likeliest to go away, and that makes me sad sometimes.

My favorite two types of touches by her, in all the years we’ve been together, were when she would put her arm around my headrest while we were driving in the car and ruffle the hair on the back of my head and when I would put my hand on her leg in the car and she’d put her hand over mine and hold my hand from behind it. Those two are the ones I miss the most. That, and the feeling of rubbing her feet every night before bed, as well as holding her hand every night when we drifted off to sleep. We did that for many, many years.

I’ve lost so much, guys. And I don’t know how I’m going to make it for years and years without Kellie here. I just don’t. At the same time, I’ve made it almost two months, and I would have told you that was impossible too, before I lived through it.

Sometimes we get flabbergasted by just how much we can survive. Not in a “God won’t give us too much to handle” sense, but in a “strength looks like all kinds of things, and so does survival” sense.

I don’t know how to live without holding Kellie’s hand, but I’m still doing it, somehow.

Have a good night, and I hope you’ll join me in trying to make next week as good as we can, despite all the horrors.

Matt