This morning was kind of a big deal. I didn’t talk about it with many people because I was already so worried about how it was going to turn out and didn’t want to make an even bigger deal of it.
I’ve had one primary care doctor for my entire adult life, since I got adult health insurance for the first time. Kellie and I both saw him, and he retired the month after she died (though we knew it was happening for a couple of months). I know that there are plenty of folks who don’t see a primary care doctor regularly, but Kellie and I did. She had a lot of health issues her entire life, but beyond that, we trusted our doctor. At the same time, I’ve never seen any other physicians in my entire life, so I didn’t have a lot to go on, preference-wise.
In March, I scheduled appointments for Kellie and I with the new doctor that our previous guy recommended that we see. Those appointments were today (though obviously just for me). I’ve never seen a primary care doctor as an adult without Kellie present, so it was something I’ve been anxious about for many months. Just one of those things you take for granted if you’re as close as she and I were—I went to all of her medical appointments and she went to all of mine. We were there for moral support and to remember to ask questions and to retain all the info that the doctor would relay to us. It worked so much more smoothly that way!
And now it’s just me.
I’ve been incredibly fortunate for my entire life in terms of medical stuff. I’ve never had surgery or stitches (other than removing a mole from my shoulder that took two stitches). I’ve never spent the night in a hospital (other than my original sleep study decades ago). I’ve never broken a bone, or had any serious medical conditions besides sleep apnea. I’ve never received anesthesia, or an IV as an adult. Most folks have had so many procedures over the years, but not me.
As I said a few months ago about dentists, that lack of serious medical issues hasn’t had the effect of making me feel comfortable around doctors. It’s probably made me more anxious about not having had any experience with any of those things. And the fact that I had to see this brand-new (to me) doctor on my own, combined with the fact that I’d scheduled it more than a month before Kellie died, put me right back into that place. I was really struggling, and I appreciate everyone who I reached out to for support and kind words and brave vibes.
The appointment could not have gone better, and I’m once-again feeling like the luckiest guy in the world for having been referred to this doctor. She made me feel seen and heard and she was so compassionate and kind. She also asked what she could do to best support me in my grief with Kellie, and I felt like it was a really perfect fit.
So that’s one less worry for me, and I’ll always be grateful for the chance to worry a tiny bit less about something. We have a plan and some things I’m going to be able to work on, because my intention is to live as long as I possibly can. Even though it’ll be a lonely road, I’m looking for it to be as long a road as I can get.
Tomorrow, Mike and I head to the DC area for the Power to the People Festival. If you don’t recall me talking about it many months ago when we got our tickets, it’s a once-in-a-lifetime collection of bands playing together. The schedule is a big secret and won’t be revealed until we arrive there, so rumors are flying about what other special guests may show up. Regardless, if you’re interested you can stream the show on the MSNow YouTube channel. It’s going from 1pm to 10:30pm this Saturday—maybe you can catch a glimpse of me (but probably not).
It’s truly going to be an incredible lineup. Like, seriously. Here’s a list of all the musicians we know about:
And here’s the link to watch online!
So if I’m not able to write for the next few days, it’s because I’m not sure where I’ll be or how exhausted I might be. I might write, and I might take the weekend off. Either way, I hope you have a wonderful weekend. I plan to have a great adventure with Mike! Time to pack and get all the dog-cuddling I possibly can for the rest of the evening.
Take care of yourself, and I’ll see you soon.
XOXO,
Matt