I’m Still Here

And I don’t know how to feel about it.

I spent about an hour this morning writing most of tonight’s post, and Substack deleted the entire draft at some point. So if you think I’m off my game today, let’s all agree that the first time I wrote all this, it was IMPECCABLE.

Last night was really good. So good, in fact, that (as I told several of you) the only negative thing I had to deal with besides Kellie not being here was feeling guilty that I was feeling happy and at peace. Brains are weird, and so are feelings. I know that Kellie loved/loves me, and I know that what she wanted most was for me to be happy. So there’s really no reason for me to feel bad because I’m not feeling sufficiently sad, but that’s what happened anyway. I had to consciously refocus myself several times throughout the evening and stop blaming myself for being content. Argh.

I have had the chance to do some more cleaning and organizing in the house, especially in our bedroom, and I like the direction that’s moving. I never disliked the things Kellie had or the things she treasured, but anytime you live with a roommate you make concessions for stuff they care more about than you. For me to be making my space feel mostly like me is an entirely new feeling, and it makes me happy to have things easily accessible to me that I know I’m going to use (rather than items which were exclusively hers).

I had planned to meet some friends for coffee at 9:15, but my grief brain thought it was actually 8:15, so I went to the harbor at 7:45 (and then realized I was actually going to have to wait around for a long time for them). It gave me plenty of time to just sit and enjoy the morning and not have to be anywhere, which was nice for a change. I’m doing that more and more these days, and that’s feeding my soul, so I’m going to try and keep it up. Rushing from place to place just makes me end up feeling frantic, so I’m going to try simplifying my schedule much more in the future.

I spent a lot of today working on my final paper for the first class in my doctoral program. It was supposed to be roughly 2-3 pages, and mine ended up being 9 pages. Yes, apparently I’m THAT type of student. I’m hoping my professor sees past their annoyance at having to read such a long assignment and recognizes how much I had to say on the topic of interprofessional collaboration between social work higher education faculty members. I feel good about having done well in this course (assuming that I get a good grade on this assignment), since I wasn’t sure how I’d get my brain back into a student-centric mode given my obvious current grief-related difficulties. I know I’m only one class in, but it has helped a great deal to have so much peace and quiet in the house (there are no huge distractions that prevent me from doing all the reading and writing I’ve had to get done). I can lapse into hyperfocus mode and work on things rather than worrying about silly things like meals. If Kellie was here, I’d have to eat and talk and be happy and stuff, none of which is currently an issue for me. The only thing that has been a barrier, really, has been my own desire to put off the work for another time.

A friend came over this afternoon with some caffeine, and that definitely helped me get back into writing mode once she’d left. It was a worthy distraction, and I was grateful for both the company and the drink. We talked about quantum physics a bit, in case you’re curious.

Ivy and Coco and I spent some time in the backyard, and the weather was pretty perfect in the shade. It did make me think about how I’m really not looking forward to the massive heat wave that’s just over the horizon. And also, Coco absolutely destroyed one of my slippers. Here’s the evidence.

The next week and month both bring some new challenges, so I’m hoping to get a bit of extra support. Just check in and make sure I’m okay when you think of it, please?

First, my second summer class (that I’m teaching) begins tomorrow. It’s the first time I’ve taught this course, so I’m excited for it and also anticipating some wrinkles that I didn’t envision when I created the thing. That’ll take up some of my energy.

Second, my second summer class (that I’m taking) begins tomorrow, like I mentioned. Just another challenge to make it through.

Third (and most importantly), on Wednesday I’ve made it to July. Why does that matter, you ask? Well, it’s the start of the third new month since Kellie died. It’s also my 49th birthday (on the 7th), and Coco’s 1st birthday (on the 30th). In addition to all of this, Kellie and I would have celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary on the 11th.

You might think that my birthday would be an especially hard day for me, and it might prove to be tough. I do have the advantage of the fact that Kellie and I have spent the last thirty years celebrating a birthday month apiece, not just a birthday day, so I expect that the sadness of not having her here will be distributed throughout the month, not just confined to the 7th. My assumption is that the 11th will be the hardest thing for me next month, and I am planning to go to dinner by myself and spend the time thinking about everything that we have had across all of these years on that day. Our love is worth celebrating, and I intend to do exactly that.

I hope the rest of your Sunday evening is tranquil and full of both love and joy.

Best,

Matt