After six months, you’d think I’d know better than to think I can control what will be good days and what will be bad ones. Unfortunately, I appear to be predisposed to try and impose my stubbornness onto the situation. That probably comes down to the fact that we like to step away from pain and at the very least would like it to end ASAP, especially when that pain feels self-imposed.
Yes, I’m fully aware that I didn’t cause Kellie’s death (though part of my experience will always be unbearable guilt that I couldn’t save her life in that worst of all possible moments). But it’s hard to avoid the feeling that the stimuli causing my pain is not HERE, so it must be imposed upon me by my own brain. I know that’s not true too. But knowing and feeling are, as we must always remind ourselves, two distinct things.
So if I feel like I’m making myself feel sad or bad on a given day, then that logic tells me that I should be able to turn off those sad or bad feelings. And when, despite all my efforts to the contrary, those sad or bad feelings persist for days—it’s hard for that to not turn into a sense of helplessness and even hopelessness.
All of this is to say that I missed Kellie a lot for three days in a row. More than normal—much, much more than normal. The first of those days, I was missing her a ton but not especially sad, as I discussed here on Friday. By Saturday, that constant “missing Kellie” feeling had deepened into sorrow, and by Sunday it felt like the cloud was never going to lift. I tried, honestly I did. I tried keeping busy and also tried just resting. I took naps. I got in touch with friends and family and also tried being solitary for a bit. I spent time with multiple people across those three days. I kept up with my medication and food and water intake, but nothing seemed to make a tangible difference for me.
I feel really fortunate that by Sunday evening that deep dark well of feelings had eased a great deal. I don’t think the change was due to anything I did. If it were, one of the myriad of attempts I made would have done something, but none of them did in the moment.
I would like nothing better than to have Kellie back. Besides that, I would like nothing better than to be able to impose logic on this situation and have a concrete set of steps to be able to utilize to fix it and move past these uncontrollable feelings. Unfortunately, they’re uncontrollable, and that’s the crux of the issue. I cannot predict how I’m going to feel and I cannot do anything but ride those waves of grief until the tide recedes and my feet touch the bottom. At that point I can pick myself up out of the fetal position and start walking forward once again.
I do not like feeling powerless over my brain and heart. I doubt anyone does, but it’s especially difficult for someone who is pretty confident in his ability to reason through almost anything in his path. I know that I’m objectively making progress, that’s clear to me. I’m tired of it, though. The pain and the grief and the irrevocable fact of her being gone is unbearable sometimes, and I often just wish I could set down this weight for a few minutes. The fact is that I’m never going to be able to stop Kellie’s absence from hurting me, and also that I don’t want it to stop hurting me. It sure would be nice if it would hurt less though.
On Saturday, I got to catch up with my friend Donna, which was pretty great. She’s been there for me in very concrete ways since Kellie died, and I love her for that. I’ve hired her, which meant that she has signed the requisite documentation and then been able to work with Kellie’s clients to try and find them the best possible new therapist without violating confidentiality rules. It has also meant that I have a buffer in her that I can rely on to maintain some level of separation between Kellie’s clients and their grief and myself and my own grief. I know that I’ve mentioned this here before, but when I had started doing notifications to Kellie’s clients of her passing by myself, it was very quickly overwhelming to me. It was also very quickly apparent to me that their love for Kellie made them feel the need to care for me in that moment, which shows how kind and compassionate they are (and also shows how inappropriate it would be for me to see them for counseling myself). You should never have the obligation to care for your therapist. It needs to go the opposite direction. That’s, like, Therapist 101.
Donna has been a friend to me in good times and bad, and spending time with her is always a joy. We’ve only been friends for 23 years or so (which is pretty close to half my life), and it’s great to have someone who’s known you so long.
After that, I went to the local No Kings protest. It was heartening to see so many folks there (about a hundred of us). Yes, that’s far less than at past No Kings events here—but it was also a very chilly day, and I don’t hold it against anyone who couldn’t be out in the cold. There were several speakers who did a great job of firing up the crowd. I also have to point out that the number of cars driving by who honked their horns or gave a thumbs up or other sign of solidarity was VERY high. Take heart, everyone. And also, vote for people who care about you and your well-being rather than their own power.
I’m not going to tell you to vote for every Democratic candidate simply because of their party affiliation, though in this election I can’t identify any Republican candidates who I plan to vote for myself. I think you need to make that decision for yourself.
But I WILL tell you that our two local State Representatives have been among the worst within the Ohio Legislature. Sarah Fowler Arthur has ignored the will of her constituents for her entire time in office. She doesn’t appear to care what anyone says to her—if one of us disagrees with her on an issue, she flatly refuses to engage and will not have a conversation. Many of us tried to reach out to her office on multiple issues shortly after she was initially elected, but after several years of being completely ignored, most folks have quit trying (unfortunately). She has a long list of issues on which she has ignored the will of the voters, and she’s pretty extreme in her views. Sarah’s opponent is Louis Murphy, who has spent a huge amount of time communicating with voters and showing that he cares about a wide variety of issues that pertain to our community, unlike Sarah. He’s a teacher and coach and has demonstrated leadership in a lot of different arenas. He’s a good guy. She’s firmly anti-teacher, has demonstrated a clear lack of leadership, and does not represent the vast majority of her constituents’ best interests in Columbus. So that race is pretty clear to me—if you vote for Sarah Fowler Arthur despite how awfully she’s wasted her position, then you aren’t paying enough attention.
In terms of our second State Representative, I’ve spoken plenty here about David Thomas. He’s been at the forefront of caring about a whole host of issues that do not positively impact his constituents’ lives (there’s a theme developing here, I think). David openly trolls and belittles the voters of this district. He flouts his complete disrespect for those who disagree with him, and makes fun of them every opportunity he gets. He spends his time jockeying for more power and aiming for ever higher positions and ever-richer donors to court. David cares about people, but the odds are very low that he cares about you. He cares about wealthy people for sure. His opponent, John Barbo, is a long-time teacher and City Council member who is a smart, accomplished and genuinely delightful person. If you vote for David Thomas despite his despicable public treatment of those he is supposed to be working for, then I’m honestly not sure what kind of moral standards you are interested in holding your public servants to.
There are lots of other great Democratic candidates on a local level: Jayson Noscal would make an excellent county commissioner, and Judge Camplese has the experience and temperament to remain a Common Pleas Judge, just to name a few.
On the state and federal level, Dave Joyce has ignored Ashtabula County for many years, and Maria Jukic would do a great job. Sherrod Brown has shown what an incredible advocate for Ohioans he would be if he were returned to the US Senate. And I’ve spoken at length about what an excellent governor Dr. Amy Acton will be.
All of that is to say that you absolutely need to vote, and you need to care what sort of person is representing your best interests, no matter what their office or their party. We all have a responsibility to participate in the process, period. So go and participate.
Saturday afternoon was a really special time—my dear friend Margot got married to the ever-delightful Todd, and that was just wonderful. I had the honor of being asked to host the Zoom for those friends and family who couldn’t be there in-person, and they put a lot of thought into being inclusive, which was meaningful to all of us in that boat. It was a beautiful wedding, and I’m so happy for them to have found each other.
It was also a really hard time for me, since Kellie was so excited about attending this wedding. Nothing was going to make it less difficult for me, so it was just something I needed to go through feelings-wise. It took all my energy for the day, though. Immediately afterward I needed to lay down for a long nap with the dogs, and I was pretty useless emotionally for the rest of the day.
Yesterday was great. I met up with my friend Nate and we had a great conversation and took the time to catch up. We also saw the Nathan Fielder documentary about Elizabeth Holmes and Theranos (You Can See Everything), which was probably the best movie I’ve seen this year and definitely the best documentary I’ve ever seen. Wow.
At some point late in the day, I realized that I wasn’t missing Kellie to an unbearable degree anymore. It was still there, just in the background like usual. It just receded on its own, which is a wonderful trick when it chooses to cooperate like that.
I don’t know how to function as a professional in society who has a lot of responsibilities and important roles and also as a person who has no ability to predict how I’ll be feeling on any given day. It’s the worst. But I keep not getting fired, and my clients keep scheduling with me, and my students seem to enjoy having me around. So I’m just here, trying to stay afloat, even on days when it feels like I’ve got a Buick weighing me down.
I’m here. Taking on the week and stuff.
XOXO,
Matt