Just Another Napless and Concreteless Sunday...

I had a pretty restful day (more than I thought I would), even though I wasn’t able to take a formal nap. Whenever I thought I was about to test and see if I’m a nap person or not, something else popped up that kept me busy for a few minutes and the nap-suitable moment ended up passing.

I can always give it a shot tomorrow. Maybe I will.

One friend came over and replaced the leaky faucet in my bathroom with an incredible new shiny one. He also power-washed my deck, so it’s now suitable for all that rocking chair time I expect to spend with y’all this summer and fall.

Another friend came over and made Coco extremely happy with belly rubs while we hung out. It was lovely. Coco was so relaxed she even let her brush her coat a little before the biting started.

A third friend donated her son, who did a fantastic job of helping my dad get some weeding done. So many gifts, so many favors!

The week ahead is one I have been eyeing with trepidation and a mounting sense of overwhelming dread for a while. I could stop myself from worrying too much about it by telling myself it was a long way off (but now it’s not a long way off at all, in fact, it has arrived).

I have a couple of light meetings planned for tomorrow.

Tuesday is my first day of teaching classes since Kellie died.

Tuesday night, I have the orientation for my doctoral program.

Wednesday and Thursday are busy with work stuff and counseling clients.

Friday, more of my family will be here—time for tattoos!

Saturday is the service.

Sunday, I might just nap all day. I haven’t decided. Maybe I’ll still be in hiding from wherever I opt to go instead of showing up at all at the funeral home.

As long as I’ve spent worrying about this week, I never devoted any time to making a plan for how I’m going to get through it. I think the best I can do is to try and focus only on each day while it’s here and not dwell too much on the end of the week.

I really am terrified about Saturday, and there’s nothing for me to do about that other than dissociate enough to make it through. It’s not something I am looking toward with any sense that it’ll help me in my healing journey, but I will be there nonetheless to honor Kellie and to offer whatever I can to the folks who love her. That’s what I can do.

The cement guy ghosted us today, in spite of having given an estimate, me agreeing to the estimate, and scheduling for him to do all the work today. Please send all the vibes you have to spare that he shows up and or/answers his phone tomorrow, because I’ve spent an awful lot of time thinking about this path for it to not happen because of one guy who doesn’t follow through on his obligations. And don’t feel bad for the cement guy. I swear I’ll put the record straight if he shows up and/or does the work eventually.

Here’s a non-exhaustive list of a few random things that made me suddenly, desperately miss Kellie today:

• A photo of an old Thanksgiving dinner.

• A rocking chair.

• A YouTube video.

• Root beer.

• A candle.

• Hearing about a preference for large fonts on a Kindle.

• A foot stool (that I have since been assured is called a hassock).

• A pillow.

• A USB cable.

• A dog treat.

• A spam email.

• A flower.

• A song.

• A smell.

• Hair in a drain.

• Snacks.

• Breakfast (and all the other meals of the day).

• A tape measure.

• A mess.

• Dirty dishes.

• Clean dishes.

• Socks.

• Wet wipes.

• A dinner roll.

• Breathing, existing, thinking, sleeping, waking up, etc.

I’m hoping I can get to sleep at some point tonight. My brain is a little bit race-y tonight, if you couldn’t tell.

I just finished uploading 547 individually-chosen photos to the funeral home’s website for your viewing pleasure during the calling hours, so that’s one more huge thing off my list.

Ice cream is really my thing, not hers. But the times when she would humor me and let us go somewhere for exotic ice cream were great, great memories. Probably for both of us.

I really cannot say how many amazing photos I have of the two of us completely and totally in love. Here’s another one that always makes me smile (until I cry for a while, then smile again).

Movie theaters, too. So many photos of us lounging and waiting for a movie to start.

I love her so much.

So that’s Sunday. Here goes the tough, tough week. Blah.

XOXO,

Matt