Today just further demonstrates the apparent complete randomness of my grief response. It really was a pretty chill day, in spite of being a Wednesday, and I’m feeling very grateful for that.
It’s midway through the week, and the leaves have just barely started piling up on my lawn, which probably means that Halloween is here. Kellie and I were never big on trick and treating, at least since we’ve had a home. The first couple of years, we bought candy and were prepared but then had a variety of emergencies derail our best-laid plans. At this point we just enjoy the kids walking the neighborhood and don’t put the pressure on ourselves to welcome any of them to our house, which is a tradition I plan to carry on.
I’ve gone back and forth on whether I feel up to celebrating the holiday via costumes for Ivy and Coco. I probably won’t, because I have every reason to just take it easy this year and not stress about it.
As I sloooooooowly continue my process of de-cluttering, it’s been really great to have a little bit more free space in my home office. It’s remarkable how much happier I feel being in here with less stuff all over the place. It’ll take a long time for me to get things more toward a semblance of “clean”, but a lot of progress has been made, and I’m proud of that even if nobody but me is reaping those benefits just yet.
I’ve had all kinds of free time today, since Coco decided to wake me up at 5:15 this morning. After we went outside and played a little bit, Coco and Ivy then immediately went to sleep again, which meant that I’m the least-rested person in this house, as usual.
Today, I’ve felt much less like I was under a heavy, heavy cloud than I do on most Wednesdays. That’s great (even if it’s still pretty random and even if I’m positive that’s not due to something I’ve consciously done to make it easier on myself). It’s just felt like a normal day, which is a huge blessing.
I’ve spent time reading, and writing. I’ve played video games and listened to music and podcasts, and have also done more cleaning and de-cluttering of my space. A bit here, and a bit there. Piece by piece is how it’ll all get done eventually (as long as I’m de-cluttering at least slightly faster than I’m cluttering or re-cluttering).
It’s felt like just a normal day. A normal day in the midst of sometimes unbearable grief, sure. But a normal day for me nonetheless.
I’m continuing to breathe, continuing to eat, drinking water when I remember (sorry Lindsay) and putting one foot in front of (or sometimes behind) the other. I’m not egotistical enough to think that that makes me some kind of a hero. I don’t know what exactly it makes me, besides just some guy who had a horrible thing happen to him. It feels like it should really take more than “surviving” to label someone heroic.
It’s too quiet in my house tonight. Time to turn on the TV or something. Take care, folks.
XOXO,
Matt