When you’ve had a rhythm with something for a while and then it changes, that can lead you feeling a little bit out of sorts. That happened to me this morning, and followed me for the rest of the day. I hadn’t set an alarm because I’m so used to getting up like clockwork by 7 or so. Today, it was about 8:10 and that would have been fine if I didn’t have an in-person appointment at 9. I was able to get it together quickly enough to make it there just fine. Thank goodness I don’t have my ponytail anymore, because that used to take FOREVER to get dry after a shower.
Nonetheless, I felt rushed and like I was slightly behind to everything else today.
I was able to do some problem-solving with a few students today, which is always a great thing when it works out. You can’t solve them all with a win-win, but when you can? It’s definitely worth trying, at any rate.
My general disorientation today was also at least partially related to the fact that yes, it’s Wednesday again. I had forgotten to take my medication until later on, I didn’t eat lunch until it was far too late in the day, and I just generally felt out of it until I realized what was going on and corrected these errors.
In discussing the general lay of the landscape with my therapist this afternoon, we made the joint decision to move my scheduled appointments with her to a day besides Wednesday moving forward. She was the one who suggested it, and upon reflection it makes a whole lot of sense. When I was very very fresh in my grief, it made perfect sense to see her on Wednesdays. I was in crisis mode and operating on a day-to-day basis. Now that I’m beyond that (still in survival mode, but longer-term survival), I think it makes more sense to see her on days when I’m more able to access how I’m feeling and thinking. Even having a clearer brain is going to help me get more out of therapy than if I’m just trying to get through another Wednesday, so I’m very pleased with this call.
Feeling emboldened by a good therapy session, I reached out via Facebook Messenger to all the local widowed folks who are also members of an Ohio widows/widowers group. This group maintains a record of who lives where in the state in order to facilitate local connections between us. I tried my best to let each person know who I am and convey the general sense that I’m looking to build friendships with other people who have also been widowed (while also making clear that I’m not interested in finding a new partner). It was just really helpful to me to be able to talk with other widows and widowers at Camp Widow last weekend, and as incredible as my support system is, I think it would be great to be able to have occasional chats with others who have been there.
I haven’t heard back from anyone yet, which is a bummer. But who knows, maybe they just have a hard time answering messages, which is true of lots of us. And maybe they think I’m a creepy guy, which is fair. I’d probably think I’m a creepy guy too, if I didn’t know me. If you know cool people who have been widowed and are looking to build supports with other widowed folks, let them know to reach out to me, perhaps?
That pretty much sums up my day. I’m doing okay, just weary with the pain and exhaustion of yet another week without Kellie. 25 weeks, for those of us who are counting. It’s an unbelievably long period of time. 175 days. I continue to miss her to a shocking degree when I stop to think about it, which is something I do more often on Wednesdays.
Life goes on, whether that makes any real logical sense or not.
XOXO,
Matt