In the interest of transparency, because what’s even the point of this without being transparent—today kind of sucked.
Yeah, another Slump Day, so what else is new?
It’s important to me not to be setting up rituals around these Wednesdays that might persist for the long-term, because then I worry I’m cementing some of these challenges for myself more than I would otherwise be if it were more an organic thing. Setting bad habits in stone is a concern for me that I’m trying to avoid.
I had a really productive morning, and then around midday started feeling odd—so I figured I needed food. That didn’t help, so I tried caffeine. That didn’t help either, so I was kind of just stumped for a few hours. I even tried thinking about times this week that I’ve been around other people, in case I’d gotten the flu or even COVID from someone. It’s just been the strangest feeling.
I realized somewhere around 2pm that duh, it’s Wednesday.
And weirdly, just the knowing helped, as it usually does. Making the fact of Kellie’s death a real and concrete thing in my mind on a day like this tends to make the bad underlying body feelings dissipate somewhat, which I’m still not used to, somehow.
Even after eighteen weeks, four and a half months, 126 days, this all still feels awful (at least a considerable chunk of my week does, anyway).
Today, I felt a ton of weight on my shoulders, actual physical tension in my body increasing over time to the point where it felt like had a weighted blanket draped over my back that got heavier and heavier over the course of the afternoon. That’s a new one for me, or it’s a new one for my conscious mind anyway.
It’s not a matter of not caring enough for myself, either. I did a really excellent job of self-care and rest on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. None of them were rough days, and I thought I had built up some sort of savings in the self-care bank, just maybe—but nope, that’s not a thing. Sadly.
I was really keyed in on how my body felt throughout those few hours, and particularly the 4:00pm hour. The weight I just spoke about gradually eased off my shoulders from about 4:20 until 5pm. By 5, I felt almost normal (or whatever normal is, anyway, these days).
I made a concerted and intentional effort to reach out to some of my supports this afternoon, and I got a variety of responses, all of them really brilliant and also deeply supportive. It’s so good for me to ask for help (I suspect it’s that good for all of us to ask for help). It’s so conditioned into us that we should try to be self-sufficient. Or maybe that’s a male thing. Or maybe it’s an introvert thing. Or maybe I’m just a weirdo, that’s certainly a possibility as well.
One of my friends talked to me via FaceTime for almost an hour and a half after work today, so that I would have someone to talk to, and so she could make sure I was okay, and because she enjoys talking to me.
Also, my therapist said that she loves my friends (and that it’s a testament to the friend I am because I have them). I love them too.
I’m hoping for a better day tomorrow.
XOXO,
Matt