No beating around the bush here—today was a difficult day for me.
I hated almost everything about the day until around 4pm or so. I could lie and say “Oh, it was just a bad morning”, to preserve my good day streak, but that wouldn’t serve any real purpose, so honesty wins again.
We all know that every day isn’t going to be a good one. Everyone has reminded me of this ad nauseam, but I don’t think anyone realizes how bad a bad day feels to someone in my position. It’s not a small thing to entirely lose your ability to cope, even for a few hours. It’s also not a small thing to feel like nobody cares whether you live or die (again, even for a few hours). Neither are any fun.
I miss her, and that’s ultimately the problem. I can’t fix that.
As I write this, it’s Thursday evening. I’ve taken a nap, the dogs and I have eaten a nutritious and filling supper, and things no longer feel utterly hopeless. But earlier, oof. If I need to identify something I’m grateful for tonight, it’s that I feel so bad so infrequently these days. I don’t know how I could survive feeling like that every day for the long-term.
I’m okay, but I wasn’t earlier.
Talk to you tomorrow,
Matt