Some Days Are Worse Than Others

And today was pretty okay.

I’ll start things off by saying that there were many things Kellie absolutely detested. One of those was when folks post online, “I did a thing”. That phrase triggered her for whatever reason, and never failed to give her a grimace or two. So I will not be saying “I did a thing” this evening, although I did in fact do something momentous.

I bought a car today! Honestly— we bought a car today, since Kellie put money into that retirement account for a decade and without it I wouldn’t have been able to afford a huge down payment.

Kellie and I aspired to own a hybrid car for the past twenty years, give or take. It didn’t happen in 2006, because we couldn’t bear the thought of buying a Prius without test driving one first (and that was how you had to buy them back then). It didn’t happen again in 2016, because we wanted a hybrid Camry to replace our existing Camry, and we couldn’t afford one at that point.

But today, Kellie and I bought that 2026 hybrid Camry, and I’m really happy about it.

This car represents so much more than looking fancy. Just like our new path, which is both functional (because we walk on it) and symbolic (because it’s representative of my determination to invite visitors into my home and thus stave off some of my new loneliness), this car is more than a car to me.

As I have pondered what I can do to make this new life tolerable and survivable, at least past the here and now, I keep coming back to the importance of having things (both big and little) to look forward to. People never fail to remind me of just how many things are going to keep triggering me for the rest of my life. The dates and seasons and birthdays and holidays and sunsets and sunrises and food and every single part of my life is a trigger for me now. So having something coming up that I don’t have to dread is a concrete link from here to then, and will provide me with some joy.

I feel better about some of the trips I’m planning to take now that I have a brand-new car loaded with safety features to get me there in one piece. And it’s just a far better overall experience to go anywhere in a nicer vehicle. Anyway, I am deeply grateful to be able to buy this car with payments that will not destroy my monthly budget, even without Kellie’s income.

I’m thinking about small stuff, like restaurants I’ve always wanted to try or independent bookstores I’ve always wanted to spend an hour or two browsing. Nothing massive that would take me away from Coco and Ivy for any length of time, really, but I’m finding myself excited about the chance to see different things that won’t automatically remind me of Kellie, for even just a few minutes.

Another thing which was a big deal about this car purchase is the fact that Kellie was the skeptical one, especially for expensive things like this. The buying process was lovely, but the financing process was not (and not because of my credit, that’s top-tier at the moment). Having to negotiate extended warranties and service plans and all the tiny details and intricacies around the paperwork was incredibly draining for me, since I have never done anything like it without her here to be the bad cop.

Those of you who don’t know Kellie well have likely just heard about how kind and compassionate and loving she was, and all of that is true. BUT. She was also the most savvy negotiator I have ever met, and she would not take a hard sell lying down. I’m too trusting and too easily-distractible to stay focused on the details of transactions like this. It was a brand-new experience for me, and one I did not enjoy at all. I’m so glad it’s done, though, and also so glad for the freedom of movement it will now offer me.

If you have a recommendation for a restaurant that has something special within a few hours of Ashtabula, let me know. Likewise if you have a recommendation for an independent bookstore I need to check out, particularly one that specializes in fantasy and science fiction. I’m hopeful that I can regain my ability to read if I’m surrounding myself with new books—we’ll see if that’s true or not.

I had a rough time today with something completely stupid, which is pretty typical for me. I’m just so tired of things which aren’t even that important to me making me cry in public. I know—it’s part of the deal—but it still sucks to an incredible degree.

We’re planning a celebratory supper tonight, because my parents have a new car (our old Camry), I have a new car, and my mom got some wonderful medical news today. All things to celebrate, all happy things.

I bet I still cry way more than I want to this evening. Keep up the positive vibes, prayers, holding me in the light, etc. Anything positive you’d like to send my way, I will gladly and graciously accept from you. It can’t hurt, and might help a bunch.

Hugs,

Matt