Thanks for the Chats (and the Silence)

I really needed a day like today, and (spoiler alert) I got it.

Sure, I had work to do, but not a huge amount of work. I met a friend for lunch, and that was really lovely. She’s been trying very diligently to make our schedules work so that we could hang out for quite a while, and I’m really glad that she stuck with it, because we were able to have a wonderful conversation.

I never cease to be amazed at just how good it feels to talk with someone who isn’t either my student or my client for a couple of hours. I know I’ve spoken here about how hard I’m trying to be congruent across my different roles. I really don’t want to be a different person in academic settings and clinical settings and personal settings, for more than one reason. Yes, that feels like I’m honoring a deeply-held belief of mine by being honest and real no matter where you encounter me. I’m also honoring the Quaker testimony of integrity by being authentic everywhere I possibly can. But the more practical reason for this choice is that I no longer have the energy for a great deal of masking. Maybe I’ll regain that emotional gas tank someday, but for now I do not possess the capacity to pretend I feel one way to this person and a different way to that person. It’s just simpler.

I’m not trying to say that my relationship with a student or a client is the same as my relationship with a friend or family member—not at all. But who I am with all those people is substantially the same person, within the boundaries of my roles. Even with that being the case, though, there has to be a certain amount of acceptance on my part that there’s a power disparity that exists between us in those types of settings, and so there’s still a sense of freedom when I talk with someone who doesn’t expect me to be wise and/or knowledgeable all the time.

So that was a relief for me this afternoon, and so was getting to hear some of this friend’s perspectives on her grief as she’s experienced her own significant loss. I love to discuss how others have been able to contextualize what grief and loss means to them and how they are integrating that into their sense of self and figuring out how to cope, in all kinds of short-term and longer-term ways. It was a great conversation, and I’m so glad I got to spend that time with her.

Later on this evening, I had my Silent Book Club, and once again it was the most relaxing and fantastic way I could possibly have wrapped up an intense and stressful week. Two hours of reading in silence with other folks who are also enjoying their own reading experience—it was incredible. I cannot recommend it enough.

After that, I met up with two other friends for dinner on the patio at a winery. I had a wonderful glass of grape juice and a great burger and we enjoyed the live music and caught up. Once again, it was a really joyful time for me to just talk with people who were also enjoying just having a conversation with me. I’ve known these people for decades, and it’s nice just to be seen by folks who really know you and care about how things are going. Even though we’re all really old at this point.

I came back home and spent some time sitting in Kellie’s garden, just trying to process and decompress from my wonderful (and also very people-centric) afternoon.

I’m looking forward to a calm and quiet weekend. I hope you get one of those too.

XOXO,

Matt