That of God in Everyone

I got a really good night’s sleep last night, thankfully. As I’ve said before, it seems like I can’t predict what’s going to be a restful night and what’s going to be awful. Shortly before bed, I was giving Ivy her traditional drink of water and accidentally spilled most of a glass of water all over my side of the bed. That meant covering the huge puddle with a pile of sheets and just plopping down on it anyway, which I was sure would make me toss and turn all night. But nope, I slept nearly seven hours. Maybe I should have disasters more often, I’d apparently be better-rested.

I’ve been remembering a lot of good memories we shared this morning, which has made me laugh more than it’s made me cry. That’s been good for my heart.

One of those good memories was our love of tattoos as a wearable art form and a concrete expression of something that carries great significance in our lives. I adore this picture of Kellie getting her first tattoo, because I caught her in a moment of ambivalence about whether she was making a good call or not. (She was.)

This same artist will be giving me a tattoo to memorialize Kellie a few weeks from now. I couldn’t have predicted that just a couple of weeks ago, but that’s the way my life is going.

Because when I fell, I fell hard for every part

From the beauty in her eyes to the love that’s in her heart

The good, the bad, the happy and the sad

Her perfections, her every little flaw. I want it all

And when she falls asleep I know she’ll dream a little dream of me

And in the morning she will see that it’s easy to believe

—Edwin McCain

My dad made us a fresh fruit salad (thanks again for the fruit, students) and an excellent omelet for breakfast.

Last night before bed was pretty uneventful. Having my dad here was not bad at all yesterday, as both he and I had work to do and so stayed out of each other’s orbit for big chunks of the day. It was nice to have him here, somewhat surprisingly. No offense intended there, but I’ve only ever had one roommate since 1996, so I wasn’t sure what to expect for day one. I don’t know how most roommate situations work, but I suspect I’m fortunate to have a roommate who keeps doing my laundry (I don’t think that’s considered typical).

Having done a grocery run proved really helpful last night as well, because it let me eat some ice cream and also a sandwich, rather than something desperate.

I attended our Quaker meeting today, which I really needed. Our spiritual community has been a real source of strength and support to me in this time of grief, as it was to us both before I lost Kellie. She would want me to stay connected to them, and so I have no choice (even if I wanted to). I really appreciated a message from someone today about the fact that what we see of someone in life is only a small part of the whole that represents them in the universe. That gave me some peace.

I’ve been thinking a lot about a question someone asked me in the first days after Kellie’s death, when someone said, “A lot of my friends have been asking me if Kellie was saved or not.” I wasn’t quite sure how to answer in the moment, and was taken aback that anyone would ask such a personal question in the immediate aftermath of such a huge loss. But I’m ready now, eleven days in, to provide a more substantial answer to that question. If you’re one of the ones who has been wondering, this is for you.

Kellie and I have been on a journey of spiritual exploration for at least ten years, and have found a home in the Religious Society of Friends for the past four or five years. Our Quaker meeting is the Ann Arbor Friends Meeting, and we have been truly happy being a part of this religious community. If you’re interested in the deeper nuances of Quaker faith and practice, there are a whole lot of places online you could learn more about that. My meeting’s website is at https://www.annarborfriends.org. I’m a Liberal Quaker, but most of you don’t need to know about the nuances of what that means other than the fact that I believe in inclusion, peace, the fact that each of us has a part of God within us and thus deserves respect and compassion, the importance of stewardship of the environment and each other, simplicity, the development of community, equality between people regardless of who they are, and integrity in the ways I behave in the world. Many Quakers, including myself also consider themselves to be Christian. Quakers have a long tradition of making a difference, and that fits well with who Kellie and I are. I believe that nobody has all the answers about spirituality and their place within the universe, and so anyone who is convinced completely that they know their beliefs are completely right is, by definition, very wrong about something. I believe we all have the ability and responsibility to try and do better at living a good life. I believe that God does not communicate only through the Bible or through religious leaders like pastors or priests, but communicates with those of us who are listening hard enough. If you ask a Liberal Quaker why we don’t have ministers, they’d probably tell you that’s because we are ALL supposed to be ministers to each other, and I think that’s absolutely beautiful.

I believe that we should be trying harder to make this world a fair and just place than just waiting around for the second coming, and that we have the responsibility to think about good we do on the Earth now instead of sitting on our hands and hoping for a better world after we die. Kellie agreed with me about all of this. I do not know where she is right now, but I think that we each have our own relationship with the Divine, and I am not worried about the state of her eternal soul.

I also feel that it is kind of gross for anyone to question her belief structure rather than trying to do their best to care for other people in the here and now. Maybe care about your own relationship with God instead of Kellie’s? In addition to all of the above, I believe that if your religion or your religious leaders are doing things that are harming other people or excluding other people or promoting arguably evil things, then you should probably look elsewhere for a path to righteousness. I am extremely confident that Kellie spent more time considering spiritual matters over the last four years than she had in her entire life and that she had finally found a religious practice which aligned with her beliefs (we both have). So if you ask me that question again, I will just direct you to this very long explanation. I am so, so grateful we found the Quaker faith when we did. And I’m so, so grateful for AAFM. If you’re wondering why you haven’t heard sooner about Quakers, even though we’ve been around since the 1640s, that’s probably in large part due to the fact that we do not typically proselytize and try to convert other people to our religion (at least most Liberal Quakers don’t). So we find other Quakers through our own seeking more than anything else. Many of us have found our way to Quakerism after experiencing religious trauma from other belief systems, and we are a diverse group who have diverse beliefs. There’s also no requirement to believe the same exact things as every other Quaker, and that is also something that appeals to me greatly.

“Be patterns, be examples in all countries, places, islands, nations wherever you come; that your carriage and life may preach among all sorts of people, and to them; then you will come to walk cheerfully over the world, answering that of God in everyone; whereby in them you may be a blessing, and make the witness of God in them to bless you.”

—George Fox (founder of the Religious Society of Friends)

My plan for today was to be kind to myself. I got some more grading done and plan to soon place myself at the mercy of those faculty who have very graciously agreed to take on whatever I can’t, so that I can at least be done with this incredibly difficult semester and move on with that aspect of my life.

I do have a huge final project for the class I’m taking, so that also took some of my time.

I went through a box of old papers today. Most of it turned out to be electric bills from like 2017 (isn’t it wild what we save?), but a few real gems were in there. I appreciated finding a photo of one of the first times Kellie went out with one of her best friends—that was a special time for her and a special memory for me to look back on.

I found that looking at a few of Kellie’s things made me incredibly exhausted. I’m betting that’s a defense mechanism, because I don’t want to think about the fact that she’s gone. Despite thinking about it almost every day, almost all day, my brain and body still resist something concrete like “get rid of an old electric bill”. I was thoroughly wiped out after just a few minutes spent on that.

This week, I am planning to see a few clients for the first time since Kellie died, so please hold me in your hearts as I dedicate some of my energy to other folks’ needs in addition to my own. Right now, on Sunday, I feel that that’s doable. We’ll see how it goes when it actually happens. I don’t want to let my clients fend for themselves, since we’re a team in the pursuit of their happiness and wellness. I also think that it’s very possible that the distraction of someone else’s needs may help me stop thinking about Kellie quite as much for an hour here or there.

I also need to get ready for the summer semester, which starts in two weeks. Kellie’s celebration of life is three weeks from yesterday. I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through that, but I’m not going to worry about it for at least another week or two. Then expect me to be all worry, all the time, until we get through that day.