The Good, The Bad, The Happy and the Sad

Last night, the dogs and I finally started getting back into our regular pre-Philly routine. It felt really nice to do the dishes, go outside for a pee break (them, not me), and then spend lots of time in bed trying to read with YouTube in the background. Maybe this sounds like no fun to you, but it was pretty much exactly what the three of us needed.

Before bedtime, I was actually able to read a bit in the living room for the first time in a while. Progress, even slow progress, is still progress. Important things to keep in mind.

I’m also really enjoying my parents being here again (by the time I get adjusted to having someone else in the house, they’ll have gone back home). They’re just lovely people, and we’re able to have conversations that are drama-free, which I know most families cannot manage. I realize just how fortunate I am to have the family that I do, and so I need to keep reminding myself that our norm is not THE norm, because it’s not.

Today was incredibly busy. So many appointments and so many tasks left un-done on my to-do list. I know that I mentioned yesterday how hard motivation to do these tasks has been for me to find. Which has meant that my list has ballooned to a somewhat unwieldy size (and that only makes me avoid it more). But I had enough gaps today that I was somehow able to get a bunch of those to-do items marked off the list. Enough to give me a little breathing room, anyway. Something to be grateful for.

I spent a bit of today smiling, and I also cried more than I’d like. One of the things that made me smile the most were the snuggles I got from both dogs this morning, and the thing that made me cry the most was writing a poem for my book that was about Kellie’s relationship with our dogs. It just reinforces the message that I’ve been sharing with students and clients for years and years—the same triggers for grief are often triggers for joy. Resiliency factors in our lives are often also risk factors in our lives. I wish we could separate out the joyful from the grief-inducing, and just get rid of the bad stuff. But there are no exclusively bad things, that’s the hard thing. Everything is a mix, and everything has the potential to be a trigger or a source of joy.

Try to remember this in your life, if you’ve got someone who’s in a place of grief. You’re not going to be able to say all the right things, or at least be able to avoid saying something that could possibly cause pain. But you’re also likely to not be able to avoid inspiring happiness and love and connection for them—that’s the deal. Talk to them, love them, and roll with the waves, whichever way they end up going at that point. It’s gonna be okay.

The only truly bad choice you can make is to cut off connection and communication with them because you don’t want to screw up. THAT is the true screw-up. Don’t do that.

Talk to you soon.

Matt