I’m resting this evening, before heading out on a series of adventures tomorrow morning. I’m really looking forward to going to a few places, and will see how many of them I manage vs. how many I put off for next time.
The important thing to me is that I’m experiencing joy amid all the sadness. It’s quiet and peaceful here, and I love it here. I don’t mean to imply that I’m unhappy at home. This is my favorite place! But what I’m saying is that a blend of familiar and unfamiliar is the optimal mix for me. The novelty is something that wears a lot of folks out (Kellie was one of them) but for me, it tends to give me joy. So I plan to see what I can see this weekend. Expect pictures!
I’ve been pleasantly surprised that I am nearly through November (we all are) and yet, I have not sunk into an endless pit of sadness and grief. If you recall, that was my big fear about this fall. Kellie’s birthday month was a huge deal in this household, and the whole month was geared around making her as happy as possible. I don’t have any way to do that anymore, so in lieu of making Kellie happy I’m trying to do the same for myself. I believe on some level that I’m feeding two birds with one stone by doing so, and that Kellie’s pleased that I’m feeling joyful. That’s my hope, anyway.
This morning, I spent some time on a bench overlooking the lake, looking at the clouds and thinking about this moment in time. I ended up getting relatively chilly relatively quickly, which is a sign that it was pretty cold (since it takes a lot to make me feel cold). That means winter is truly nearly here, and I’m welcoming it with some trepidation.
After I got back into my car, I had the first really massive grief storm I’ve experienced thus far in November. It was hard, and there’s nothing to do when those show up other than cry and try your best to wait them out until they recede on their own. That happened eventually, and I was able to function again after a few minutes.
I miss Kellie more than I have the capacity to describe, so I’ll just keep saying “I miss her” and would like you to interpret that phrase as meaning so many more things than can possibly fit into three words.
Next week is her birthday, but I’m not expecting that to be dramatically worse than her birthday month as a whole. It could happen, but we’ll see. I don’t have a lot of control over that. I’m planning to not make any huge plans for the day itself, but if you’d like to commemorate it with me in some way please let me know and I’d love to make time for that as well.
Here’s one of my favorite November pictures of Kellie and Ivy.
I already know how much I miss Kellie, but it helps me to hear how you miss her too. Some people have told me that they don’t want to upset me by saying how much they miss having her here, so they don’t. Honestly, that just makes me feel like she’s forgotten. Please tell me how much you love and miss her. That’s a joyful thing for me, even as it’s a sorrowful experience. Both can be true, and both certainly are.
I think that’s enough for today. More next week.
XOXO,
Matt