The Picture Still Hangs On The Wall

From back in the day, when you had it all...

I certainly had some ups and downs today, but for the most part we did pretty well.

Coco woke all of us up at 6:30am. She appeared to be trying to convince Ivy to rub her belly, which Ivy declined to do, so I had to step in and help her out myself.

I decided to walk the wheelbarrow and pitchforks that Mike and Carmen had loaned us to help with mulching Kellie’s garden back to their house. “But Matt”, you might say, “Why wouldn’t you just put them into your trunk and drive them instead”? And to that, I would answer, “I put a huge scratch in our last car’s trunk by agreeing to load a client’s bike into it ten years ago, so I learned my lesson”. The mile or so walk isn’t typically that bad, but I underestimated how much more physically taxing it would be for me to walk it while pushing a partially-laden wheelbarrow. As a result, my feet and shoulders are aching, but they’ll hopefully feel better tomorrow.

I then went and spent a lovely morning having coffee with a friend. Neither of us is self-aware enough to realize that today was the Beach Glass Festival, so the Harbor was jammed with a whole lot of people. I always love walking down the center of the street, but I didn’t love the long walk to parking (which didn’t help my feet) and I definitely didn’t love the huge crowd. It was all worth it to get to hang out, obviously.

After that, I grabbed lunch at a food truck and drove to Fresh Air Farms for fresh strawberries and some amazing ice cream.

The girls and I took a nap, spent some time in the yard, and then I did a few cleaning and organizational tasks I’ve been considering for a bit. I love flitting from task to task, and since I can choose to do anything based upon my whim now, I’ve been pretty productive here at home since my parents left. I don’t mean they were standing in my way, but I’ve always had to take Kellie’s preferences into account (as you do when you’re with someone) and so we would agree on prioritizing specific things over others. Now I’m free to do what I feel is important whenever I feel it’s important, which is both freeing and also terrifying, since I have nobody to help me remember tasks that I put off or don’t retain in my brain. I need to work out workflows for that kind of stuff, but I haven’t done that yet, so for now I’m a hummingbird going from flower to flower.

Both dogs and I then went and got the car washed, since I’ve been parking the new car outside so my dad could use the garage for a staging area for his many projects. Getting the dust and pollen and bugs off it was awesome, and so were the reactions from the dogs to the entire car wash situation.

My plan for this evening is to work on my big final paper for my first doctoral class, since it’s due tomorrow. Then I’m on to my second class on Monday.

Monday is when the second summer class I’m teaching begins too, and I’m looking forward to it. My schedule is actually pretty light for the next several weeks, which will be a nice change. June felt very very tight and cramped, probably because of my reduced capacity.

I’m feeling more like myself today. That’s a good thing because I haven’t for a long time. It’s also a rough thing because a big part of my identity is tied up in being Kellie’s partner, husband, best friend, and constant companion. Matt without Matt & Kellie feels so incomplete. I think I feel good about feeling more like my old self, but I definitely had some crisis points this afternoon. Dropping some of your internal defenses leaves you vulnerable within your own head to the reality of just how long the rest of your life might end up being, and that’s not a happy feeling. I’m not too lonely today, but when I had the realization earlier that I’m going to be alone this fall, and this winter, and next spring, and next summer, etc., I had a big of a panic attack situation on my hands.

When I’m out in the car, conversations with Kellie can feel more natural because it feels a bit like I’m just calling her back at home. Some of those conversations end up just being me telling her how incredibly much I miss her, which doesn’t always feel as much like a conversation as a rapidly-spiraling pit of despair and I’ve gotta stop at that point.

I love this photo of Kellie from the last time we went to a fireworks show. Her childlike wonder at so many aspects of the world was one of the things that first attracted me to her, and that attraction only deepened over the years. I can’t look at this pic without remembering how much joy she got from so many small things.

I finally moved the ramp for the dogs from the foot of our bed to Kellie’s side of it, as an acknowledgement that she’s not going to be getting into our bed anymore. I’m also going to move one of her body pillows to our bed in lieu of the pillows I’ve had over there, because one of the widower sites said it’s healthy for our brains to hug something while we’re sleeping. It seemed to help me sleep more soundly during my nap, at any rate.

We went out to the backyard so the dogs could wander around for a bit and were surprised to find a pretty huge rabbit sitting there watching us with some amount of concern. The dogs were fascinated, but I didn’t put them down to bug the poor thing.

I’m heading into the evening feeling like it might be an okay night. There’s great music playing throughout the house, my stomach is full, the dogs are snoozing happily, and we’re at peace at the moment. We’ll see, but I’m cautiously optimistic.

Fingers crossed,

Matt