These Songs of Freedom

Today was another good day—that makes two in six days, which is a way better ratio than I’ve had in a long time. By the way, I know I mentioned it in passing yesterday but didn’t want to make it into a thing: Kellie died seven weeks ago yesterday. We’re close to two months into this new life, and if I can categorically say I’ve had two days that didn’t have anything that bad in them across seven weeks, I’m going to call that a win.

I spent some time today talking through a lot of logistics related to my program. Each summer, the field education coordinator and I meet to review outcomes, address programmatic issues, plan for the next academic year, get ready for the next crop of interns and interviews to formally admit students into the program, etc. It was a good meeting, and we got a lot accomplished. I really appreciate getting to work with her, because we’re on the same page more than we aren’t. And even when we aren’t, we treat each other with respect, which is more than I can say for plenty of folks I’ve worked with in the past.

I also got some feedback that at one of the campuses where my program resides, some of the staff feel that we’re too social work-oriented in how we treat our students. I’m going to take that as a huge compliment: if you feel that I’m such a super committed social worker that I treat students with the same level of compassion, respect and kindness that I would put into my clients, then I am doing exactly what I want to be doing.

Much of my day was also taken up by Lindsay, a dear friend who has been very present in my life since Kellie died, and who has been a very important part of Kellie’s life since the 1980s. I told her today that one of my biggest fears is that our friends will fade away and leave me alone over time, because that’s something many widow/ers report happening. Now that it’s been nearly two months since she died, it’s still a daily reality for me and for her family, but everyone else would be well within their rights to move on to their own priorities and their own lives. But if that did happen, it would be incredibly challenging for me, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’m used to having hours of conversation every single day with Kellie, and if I had nobody to talk to day after day after day, I don’t know how I could cope with that.

But Lindsay has been here with me, for my good days and my bad ones. So have lots of you guys, and I don’t know how to thank you all enough. She has committed to me that she won’t disappear, and that means so, so much.

Lindsay and I grabbed coffee and then went for a long walk on the beach (because the rain had stopped and the sun was out in full force). We got lunch from a food truck, too. It all made for a day which kept me from spending too much time sitting in the noise of my brain, which I cannot recommend to anybody.

We looked for beach glass (well, she did and I tried to help). But the main thing I was busy with was walking in the water, feeling the sun on my shoulders and the sand under my feet. It was so nice to just wander down the beach with no immediate destination in mind while we talked, and I don’t think I could have had a nicer time if I consciously tried to plan something.

I’m feeling like I can sometimes interact with people without just crying the whole time, which is progress for me.

My dad continued his incredible work in the garden, my mom made us the best sweet and sour chicken ever for supper, and Coco and Ivy and Bruno also had a good time all day.

There’s really only one major thing that might have made it a better day, and that’s the one thing that would make every single minute better. But none of us can do anything about that, so all we can do is do our best to not focus on it.

Anyway, I’m pretty happy, the people around me are pretty happy, and tomorrow is Friday.

Take care,

Matt