We Jumped, Never Asking Why

It was a day, all right.

Emily, Sam, and my nieces arrived late last night, and I was very happy to see them (if also very tired to see them). I feel so much gratitude for all the folks who are dropping so many elements of their own (very important) lives to donate some time and energy to mine and Kellie’s. I won’t stop saying thank you, but I’ve stopped mentioning that I can never repay anyone because it would otherwise be far too overwhelming.

A couple days after she died, someone suggested that I start keeping a list of people who called and sent cards and food and came to see me and called or texted or whatever, so I could be ready for all the thank yous. I have not done anything of the sort, as that has been the furthest thing on my mind, so you’re just going to have to be okay with EITHER getting a card from me OR me just telling you that I will appreciate you for the rest of my life. So there you go. Done. Everyone has officially been thanked.

Knowing how long it took Kellie and I to get our thank you cards out for our wedding in 1998 (spoiler alert: forever. It took forever. The cards are still in my basement in 2026), I’m not hopeful that I’ll be prompt in mailing cards out to people now. Especially since it’s just me instead of the two of us to split the emotional labor.

My overriding mood, today, is tired. I am tired pretty much all the time as we get closer and closer to Saturday. I was tired at 6:30 when I got up, I was tired after breakfast and after lunch and after supper, I was tired before I saw clients and tired afterward. I took a nap with the dogs for about an hour and a half in late afternoon, and am so glad I did—but I don’t necessarily feel any more rested.

Now that I have more family here than just my dad (who has been a peach), my tiredness keeps manifesting in even more ways. I would love to hang out and enjoy their company and love on them all, and I am deeply, deeply grateful to them for being here to celebrate Kellie’s life and to hold me. But I am just so frigging tired.

I haven’t been sleeping very soundly, and I’m sure that’s part of the problem. And I just keep getting overwhelmed by general stupid life things that really shouldn’t be all that taxing. Twenty minutes of pretty much any task is enough to wear me completely out, and that sucks when I have lots of stuff I’ve been neglecting for a month now.

Oh yeah, did I mention that she died a month ago yesterday? So that’s a piece of the whole tiredness souffle, and so is the fact that there have just been so many incredibly important decisions to make. Every one feels more important than the last, and so I have now made what I hope are my last few important decisions until Sunday.

A friend came and hung out with me this morning. It was a special time.

Me, my brother and sister and my sister-in-law will all be getting tattoos with some of Kellie’s ashes mixed into the ink tomorrow afternoon. That way they’ll all be fresh and painful on Saturday, just like my heart.

Here’s the first bag of Kellie’s ashes. It only took about three minutes for Coco to grab the bag and try to run off with it—I got upset, but the poor puppy gave it back immediately.

That said, I emailed my playlist of songs for the calling hours to the funeral director today. We have over 11,600 songs in our digital music library at this point, and more in other formats, but I needed to come up with some sort of criteria to narrow them down to music which was most-meaningful to Kellie at different points in her life, as well as some that are super important to me when I think of representations of Kellie.

Picking music was complicated because it’s not just about a countdown of her favorite songs—I purposely didn’t want to prioritize any of the songs over any others, so once I’d picked out about 80 songs I narrowed them further to 67, and then forced myself to come up with the 55 top contenders. After I had them chosen, I put those 55 into a randomizer app so they would be played without me choosing which one comes next (so I wouldn’t have to spend hours more debating those choices as well).

I think I’m going to pick a few songs from the playlist each day to speak about here, to give you some insights into my thought process and also to force you to listen to (or at least think about) some damn fine music. I am not interested in your opinion on whether these are the BEST 55 songs in the world, because they’re definitely not. But every one of them holds great significance for Kellie and I, so that’s why they’re on the list. Lots of songs were knocked out of contention just because I love them so much but Kellie didn’t, or because they’re important to me but not as important to her.

If I briefly discuss eleven songs each day, that means it’ll only take me five days to talk about all fifty-five. So here we go:

Barenaked Ladies: Lovers in A Dangerous Time

BNL is the only band that appears on this list more than once. I justified that to myself by virtue of the fact that this is a cover of a Bruce Cockburn song that we both love so much, and I didn’t include him anywhere else on the list, so there you go. Perfect, transcendent, and never fails to make us both feel things in our bones.

We really love these lines in particular:

When you’re lovers in a dangerous time

Sometimes you’re made to feel as if your love’s a crime

But nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight

Got to kick at the darkness ‘til it bleeds daylight

Guster: Two Points for Honesty

We’ve been fans of these guys since the 90s, and have lost count of the number of times we’ve seen them live. This song is an honest look at a hard relationship, and who hasn’t had a moment when they wanted to call someone out for being a complete jerk?

The Shins: Simple Song

This song might have meaning for a lot of people who are indie fans of a certain age. It never ceased to make Kellie happy—I cannot tell you how many times she’s played it across the last fourteen years. These lines in particular always, always make me smile:

You sure must be strong
And you feel like an ocean
Being warmed by the sun

Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes: (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life

Dirty Dancing was an extremely important movie for Kellie. She watched it as often as almost any other movie. It was a recurrent theme for 30 years that I’ve never actually sat down and watched it with her. Over time, it took on near-mythical status, and I couldn’t watch it because of my fear of disappointing her with my reaction. This song, of course, is a pivotal part of the movie. And I plan to watch Dirty Dancing on my own, pretty soon, and also plan to cry the whole time.

Birds of Chicago: Cannonball

We have had a long history with Birds of Chicago. They’re a brilliant songwriting duo who are also perhaps some of the kindest people ever. I Kickstarted their first album, and a while afterward we were at a music festival in Canada where they were playing—I was so excited to realize they were there and they were so excited that one of their early backers was excited to meet them. One of the last concerts Kellie and I went to was a house concert in Cleveland with a few people who had paid Birds of Chicago to perform in their home. The show was super close to Kellie’s birthday, and they were so happy to see us and spend some time with us again. This is a happy song.

Dustin Kensrue: Wrecking Ball

This one popped up a while back on a list of the best covers you’ve never heard. We were skeptical, but wow. I don’t know if you’re a fan of the Miley version, but this guy made us love love love this song. It was one of the things we would often play for each other late at night, just to give us an excuse to sing together.

Cyndi Lauper: La Vie En Rose

This is an Edith Piaf song, and Kellie adored Cyndi Lauper’s version. Cyndi was a really important artist to Kellie, and the social justice work she continues to do is incredibly inspiring to us both. Also, she’s still performing and still rocking it regardless of her age. A further inspiration. Solid, solid song. And who doesn’t like songs in French?

Sarah McLachlan: Blackbird

I don’t know how many times I’m going to say this, but Blackbird was one of Kellie’s most favorite songs, and this version was her most favorite cover of it. Sublime, unhurried, and beautiful.

The Mountain Goats: Riches and Wonders

I’ve cited this song in this space in the past. This is a heartbreaking love song, and it spoke to us both in a way that few songs have, in spite of our many years of being huge music fans. I know that the song speaks about discontent, but for Kellie and I it meant something different—that we have found our forever home in each other. Our favorite part is, of course:

I am healthy, I am whole

But I have poor impulse control

And I want to go home

But I am home

Rheostatics: Song Of The Garden

Kellie and I will always bear the secret shame of having disliked the Rheos for some time. I know, any fan of Canadian music might have my head for saying that (hence the ‘secret’ part). We have literally left more than one Rheostatics show before they went on stage because were there to see the opening act. I know, that’s dumb. I know, they’re incredible. We changed our minds, okay? The Story of Harmelodia is the concept kids’ album from the Rheostatics, and it is such a silly time. Kellie and I have listened through that album hundreds or thousands of times over the years. I’m so glad that the last time we played the whole thing was only about a month before she died. She lay in bed, I sat on the seat at the foot of it, and we read while I rubbed her feet and listened to this album. Song of the Garden is a standout, but all the songs are wonderful.

Dolly Parton: 9 to 5

Kellie was an eternal fan of Dolly. If you’re not, I have great suspicion about your motives and general character. This song is fun, it is representative both of female empowerment and the movie of the same name (which Kellie also loved).

So that’s the rundown of the first eleven songs off Kellie’s funeral home playlist. Hopefully you find something you like in there (and if you don’t, oh well—Kellie and I sure do).

Ladies and germs, guess what? WE HAVE A PATH! Witness it below, in all its glory.

I’ll leave you with the most meaningful photo I’ve taken in the past month. It’s in a spot where everyone who walks this path or stops to consider Kellie in her garden will have to pass over.

I love it with all my heart. Love you guys too. Please keep reaching out, even though I’m tired.

Matt