Weekends and the New Me

It’s the weekend, and that’s awesome.

One new challenge for me has been trying to learn how not to do work stuff during the evenings and weekends. Not because I’m necessarily driven to do so in the “workaholic” sense, though I’m very reluctant to equate anything to addiction that isn’t actually addiction for stigma-based reasons. No, because when a work thing that I should be working on at some point pops into my head, that’s the time I often choose to pick it up and chip away at it. But when it’s ten in the evening or first thing on a Saturday morning, it’s probably healthier not to do those things at those points.

The reason this is a NEW challenge for me is that my biggest reason for not working on the evenings and weekends for the past three decades has been so that I can spend time with Kellie (and, more recently, Kellie and the dogs). Kellie’s gone now, and I’m with the dogs all the time anyhow, and so I no longer have any concrete reasons NOT to work on my professional tasks at random times, other than the nebulous “self-care” reasons we should all be keeping in mind when we allocate our time in various places.

So it’s the weekend, and I’m trying to make it feel different than the work week because that line has gotten progressively blurrier without Kellie. Which means consciously not working, and instead trying to go on some small adventures.

It’s all part of trying to build a life that I’m not just making it through, but am relishing and thriving within. Sustainability: that’s the goal, anyhow. No biggie.

My parents left for Tennessee this morning, so things have begun to return to whatever “normal” means in my current context.

It was a little bit devastating to see them go. You might argue that “devastating” is a word that can’t really be modified with “a little bit”, since it’s so all-encompassing. But my life right now is characterized by super intense explosions of grief that are absolutely all-encompassing, and also typically only last a few short minutes. My feelings of grief over watching my parents drive away was similarly intense and also similarly short-lived, so far.

I’m not saying anything here that I haven’t already publicly told anyone who’s asked (including them), but I really won the parent lottery with these two. I just don’t know anyone else who would put their lives largely on hold for several months to come and literally live with me for almost a quarter of a frigging year until we could all make as sure as possible that I’m going to be okay without them. I know plenty of parents who would do that, I guess, but I don’t know many adult children who would also enjoy that concentrated period of so much time with their parents, as I definitely have.

My mom and dad are every bit as instrumental with my continuing progress since Kellie died as anyone else, and considerably more than I have deserved. I cannot thank them enough for all they have given me, so I will leave it at this for today: thank you.

My parents will be headed back to Morocco in the relatively near future, which is a decision that all three of us have agonized over (but mostly them) for months now. I don’t feel that they are abandoning me, and I don’t feel that they’re farther away from me emotionally when they’re overseas, just farther away geographically. And the location of my physical body is less important to me in terms of community and connection and love than the emotional alignment between me and another human being. I love them and they love me, and I’m going to be okay.

Also, they have a whole ton of my friends’ contact info. So if you get a text or phone call from someone claiming to be my mom or dad, it’s probably not a scammer. It’s just important to me that there be multiple folks my parents can check in with to make sure I’m safe and doing okay besides just me. Don’t worry, they’re lovely people, and they won’t abuse the privilege.

I had a really nice time with a couple of friends at a benefit for the Ashtabula Arts Center—we made glazed and fired our own raku pottery, and it was awesome. I’m so proud of myself for doing it, too. I signed up for it, coordinated with folks to make a plan, and then actually went! You can see one of my finished pieces below. I’m currently utterly exhausted, but I’m still glad we did it.

So that’s it for tonight. We’re full, showered (to get the smoke off one of us), and Coco’s playing with a toy in my lap. I’m going to watch a movie and pick away at a book I’m trying to finish up. Life is pretty okay this evening. Here’s hoping for more like it.

Matt