Y'all Believe What You All Believe

I spent a great deal of today continuing to work on all the logistical details involved in a death. Do you know you’re supposed to call every credit card company and store account, etc., to report them as being deceased? Do you know how much TIME that takes, and how much effort it takes out of someone who’s already got no energy because of being deep in the throes of grief? It sucks so, so much.

I got a lot of those calls done, but it took a massive amount of effort on my part. I’m still proud that I did them, but it was a really bad feeling to systematically erase Kellie’s good payment history from all these databases. She was proud of having come back from financial ruin in our early adulthood, really proud. And I hate having to tell every one of these companies all over again, and then send proof, all over again. It’s truly such an awful task. More of that to come in the future.

I also spent a lot of time thinking about Kellie and what she represents to me. Someone asked today if I mind them referring to her in the past tense or if I prefer them using the current tense to speak about her. It honestly doesn’t make a difference to me, if you were wondering.

Our is a love for the ages. Sorry, it just is.

Maybe you have also wondered why she and I never had human children. I had that conversation with someone today as well. Since it brought up a lot of feelings, I figured I’d might as well stick them here (as that’s what it’s for anyway, right?)

We spoke often about what kids might mean for she and I and our marriage. I don’t have anything against children, and neither did Kellie. We’ve both done plenty of counseling with kids, and have known plenty of kids who are awesome (as well as our share of those who are not awesome in the slightest). We adore our nieces and have also loved several children with all our hearts when we’ve been a big part of their parents’ lives. Children in and of themselves are not a reason we didn’t have them.

I have a bunch of photos of Kellie making faces at me, because I found it adorable when I intentionally made her mad, so she’d get grumpy, so I’d take her picture.

It’s not really your business, but that never stops anyone from inquiring of a woman why she has never procreated. That’s a real problem in our society, and I wish some of you would stop with the pressure and the invasive questions and the constant never-ending push for kids, kids, kids. There are so many things which can make a family and a woman just as important and just as valued and valuable as children do. But that’s not the way they get approached.

Initially, the issue was physical. There are lots of medical reasons why having a kid is hard for lots of people, and that’s one thing. But beyond that, we have been extended offers of surrogacy, and we have also gone through foster parent classes and pondered adoption. But we made the decision, years ago, to remain childless. We did that because we loved each other—we loved US. And so we chose us.

Kellie and I could not envision a future where we valued anybody just as highly as we valued ourselves as a couple. We truly are soul-mates, and although I wish that for all of you, I think the reality is that finding who you’re meant to be with is pretty rare and pretty special. We love kids, but we love each other more. We wanted to always prioritize the love we have for one another over everything else, and we did that for thirty years. I will continue to do that for as much time as I have left, whether that’s 30 days or 300 years. What we have is more than a marriage or a love story. It is timeless and it is forever, no matter what tense you choose to use.

So no—we did not ever have human kids. We had Sage, then Sage and Ivy, then Ivy, and now Ivy and Coco. And they’re all amazing. But we chose not to have children. The decision didn’t get made by default. We picked each other, again and again.

She loved her dogs such an incredible, incredible amount. She was the best Mama ever to them. If you have a problem with that because they aren’t human, too bad.

Coco woke me up at 5:50 am today. That’s not getting better—it’s getting worse. But guess how she woke me up? She was so happy to see me when the sun came up that she was wagging her tail a bunch. The sound of her tail hitting the side of her crate so loudly was actually what woke me, and who can really be mad at that??

This was us in 1996, I think, celebrating Kellie’s birthday. I am trying to ignore the camera while I rest a piece of pizza on my shirt(!), unfortunately. Oh, to be young and stupid and not care about stains on laundry again.

It’s another super hard one again today, folks. I don’t know how many more of those I can manage, really. I kept saying that this was going to be a week of rest to make up for next week being crammed full of things, and that I was going to give myself a ton of grace to just exist this week. Unfortunately, none of that ended up happening. This week is over, and next week looms constantly in my mind’s eye, and I am absolutely terrified to see it approaching. No matter what I do, here it comes.

Now that I’ve had a panic attack about picking the perfect song or two for the service, I’m going to pull myself together and make some decisions. Again. More decisions.

Somehow.

XOXO,

Matt