It’s a Wednesday, which means everything is just peachy.
Well, not really. And why would I start sugar-coating things now, after all this time of being open and honest and vulnerable?
The experience of being a widower continues to suck. There are many good things about my life, I will gladly tell you without even hesitating. Coco and Ivy are good things. My family and friends are good things. My job and private practice are good things. The adventures I’m having are good things. Fall is a good thing, generally-speaking. The list could go on and on!
But being a widower is not a good thing. And none of those good things does anything to take away all the awful things of this new life that I now inhabit. I would gladly burn it all down in exchange for having Kellie back.
When we were living through the middle of Sage’s final medical crisis, I had enough time to consider all the trades I would make in order to get her back home, even for a little while. When I spoke with the surgeon and she said we might get six to twelve more months with her if Sage’s surgery went well, it wasn’t even in question—we had to try it. I would have sold everything I owned to pay for that surgery. Fortunately, we didn’t have to do that.
But when it comes to widowhood, you can’t sit and let the permanence of your situation sink into your bones, especially on a hard day. The desperation doesn’t come from being sad and lonely to have Kellie here right now—it comes from thinking about the fact that I won’t have her here EVER. That’s the part that makes you hyperventilate and/or have a panic attack and, ultimately, totally lose it.
I can do the day-to-day. The many moments throughout my regular routine when I stop and say to myself, “I miss her so, so much” are still bearable, in spite of their frequency. The many reminders of her absence, while challenging, are also bearable. It’s the long-term which is too weighty to consider for more than a few minutes. Because “the rest of my life” is potentially a VERY long time to go without her.
I had a truly restful rest day yesterday, and am grateful for it.
Today was another hard Wednesday, which might be boring for you to read about yet again. If so, skip this one. Your regularly scheduled non-Wednesday entries will hopefully resume tomorrow.
You and I both know the drill: I felt a bit distant from my feelings and my body for most of the morning, and didn’t feel like eating or drinking much. Around mid-afternoon, I realized why I hadn’t been having a good day. My shoulders started to ache, like I was carrying a truck across them. After I made it past the time when she died, I started to feel progressively better. And I was back to normal by around an hour and a half later. That’s just the way it goes.
Today, due to a cancellation, I had that hour free. So I got to take the time to talk with Kellie, tell her how much I miss her, and do some remembering. Then I moved on with my day.
I appreciate you and your support more than you know. Life (or at least MY life) goes on. 23 weeks in.
Trying to take care of myself this evening—you do the same.
Hugs,
Matt
Park it here a moment…you did it….again. You. Did. It.