Zero Energy, But Tomorrow's Friday
Today, I’m simply exhausted. Appointments from 9-4, with one hour in the middle for grabbing lunch and taking the girls out to the yard for a minute. I know that lots of people without the experience say that a few hours of “just talking” shouldn’t be that strenuous. And most of it wasn’t counseling, most of it was student interviews for my program, meetings, and other kinds of work. But all of it required me to be on-camera, behaving like a professional, and keyed-in and engaged. That level of presence is exhausting for me, regardless of my current situation. Given the whole loss thing, I have zero energy to spare.
I know this has been a recurrent theme, but widowhood consists of a state of absolute exhaustion for a lot of the time. Part of that is because the emotional energy required by all the sorrow, and part of it is because now you’re the only person responsible for all the household stuff and parenting stuff (even with the animals), a job (if you’re capable of doing one), and everything else that you’ve never had to handle and now must handle. I’m out of medication, which is a problem because that makes everything else more challenging. And in the before-times, Kellie would have been on top of that. But now it’s just me.
After work, I took the girls and napped for two hours because I was just so worn out. As I’ve been reflecting the rest of this evening, I just keep thinking about what a delicate balance all of this is. We spend our adult lives striving to learn what we need, how to take care of ourselves, what exhausts us and what gives us energy. All that good stuff. And I’ve been teaching workshops about self-care for more than ten years at this point. You’d think it’s something that I am relatively familiar with.
The thing is, though—all those calculations about what you need and what you don’t, how you feel like yourself and what situations make you uncomfortable, all that stuff—dramatically changes after a loss this big. I no longer know what I need. I no longer know what’s going to make me sad or what’s going to make me feel better. I no longer know how to dictate what’s too much work and what’s not enough. Everything is different, and the lack of energy just compounds upon itself so often. When it’s time to decide if I need something in my life or not, if it takes too much effort it just often ends up falling by the wayside.
I cannot recommend living like this, but some of us just have no choice.
These last two weeks have been crammed full of work. You’d think that would be a good thing, because then I don’t have as much time to be sad and miss Kellie. It’s led to a real domino effect, though—that’s made me so worn out that I’m still trying to top off my energy most of the way through the following week. I haven’t had the strength or presence of mind to schedule time with any friends since a couple of weeks ago, which adds to the whole mess and has made me feel pretty isolated this week, too. So while the bulk of the week has been relatively light schedule-wise, other than yesterday and today, I’ve ended up feeling just as exhausted, worn out, and without any energy (while being sad and also lonely). How about that for a combination?
Tomorrow is going to be a good day—I’ve got time scheduled with people I care about. I’m also starting to plan some hangouts for next week. I have to remember that when I don’t pre-plan, everyone’s schedule (mine included) ends up too packed to make it happen. And there is no back-up plan: if I don’t go see anyone, I’m not going to get the chance to have an actual conversation with a single person in that day or week that’s not a counseling session or class or advising session or meeting for work. Except my daily calls with my parents (which do help), I really do miss not getting to hear any of my friends’ voices. Texting is awesome, but talking is good too. I’m looking forward to getting to talk with people tomorrow!
Okay, that’s enough for me for tonight. Call it ironic, but I’m too tired to write any more about feeling so tired.
Later,
Matt